wellownedbkup: (existential)
it's funny, all the things you start remembering as you get older. stuff i know i didn't remember before. like how i used to wear cross colours and bonjour and chic jeans. or how i've always had a thing for blonds or black dudes that were friends with me.

there's things like how me and lenore were the bestest of best friends in elementary school and she was an idiot wearing a tank top on a field trip downtown in late fall, so i lent her my sweater and i was standing around in a silk shirt, but it was still awesome. or how the line between hero worship and love is really non-existent in my head, especially after that one student teacher.

there's how hallways stretched long and frightening without a book to read while walking against a crowd of people. or how my mom's current room was the scariest in my house because it was the only one without a light fixture in it. and how, when we shared the room, my brother always took the top bunk. there's how i've always been on the bottom bunk and how, when i was sick, my brother would turn on the tape player to our favorite tape, tuck me in and give me peace and quiet while everyone else ate dinner. how sometimes i think we were closer friends than me and my sister because at least he looked out for me when we were at brandeis together.

but i guess it's less of that and how just yesterday i realized that i've always skated that line. i wore buttondowns over t-shirts and a guy reached up between the two and was trying to feel me up and i didn't even realize it until he'd touched my boob. and it'd been weeks of him laying on me, doing that. he got to second base before ever touching first and i feel... somewhat jilted.

and there's other things too--how i kinda miss high school now like a tangible thing, where i would change what i did for what i know now. because, yes, i would've taken jones' molesting further and my girls would've had to put up with PDAs because i would've let him do almost anything. shameless, yes, but true. i still have a curiosity about a certain piercing. (it didn't even take me getting drunk to tell him that i wish we'd met in some other time, where i wasn't who i was. it took a long ride to cincinnati, i think, and my feet against the car window and nostalgia. and i told him "i wish we'd met in some other time. i think we would've been fantastic." and how he texted back that he was sorry. and how it was sad but made sense, how i still think it passes through us from time to time and how i want to heal that boy's wounds, but know i'm not for him. how he promised me that he'd leave me what he made when he went to the army, and the drunken phone call at 1 in the morning where he promised me he'd be back. and how i haven't seen him since black friday.) or maybe i would've stopped repressing so hard and maybe have told one or two girls that maybe i wasn't so loving of them platonically. (granted, i'm still working that out right now, trying to decide if this is me being lonely, impressionable, or if it really has been there all along. and then whether i should act on it at all, considering the objects of my affection are all straight.)

or i wish i could go back to middle school and actually understand what max was saying to me, instead of just hearing the words and being glad he was talking to me still. savoring sharing eighth grade graduation with the two boys i'd adored as opposed to the girls i called my friends. but, more importantly, going back and actually working out my life's course properly.

these memories are all the paths i've taken, the ones that lead me to today and make me who i am. they're all the paths i wish i could've changed, the ones i wish i'd stayed on longer. if i could turn time backwards, i would go back and fix it. maybe i would've never become solidly insane but loved without high school. smart and honest without the brilliant minds i met in middle school. blunt and careful without the stability of family and faith in elementary school.

i just wish that now didn't seem so pale and lackluster in comparison.
wellownedbkup: (travel)
preface: this is a religious trip. and will thus be centered on that.

non-negotiable:
july 16-19, poland for international convention of jehovah's witnesses.
deposit due by february 2, full cost due march 23rd.

surrounding trip choices:
[a]: poland only. 1 week, travel to warsaw. 2500 dollars.
[b]: france and poland. 12 days, bastille day free in paris, trip to monet's house. 3100 dollars.
[c]: denmark, sweden, germany, russia, estonia, poland. 18 day cruise, with stops in copenhagen, stockholm, visby, kiel, st. petersburg, talinn. 6000 dollars.

dilemma:
i can easily get the money for the first trip. i want france like burning, and this'll probably be my only trip; i could maybe swing an independent learning credit out of it. but you can't pass up a 6 country tour... even if i'll have to sell blood, organs, all my worldly possessions and then some to do it.

I'M SO CONFLICTED. on the one hand, money woes. on the other hand, BASTILLE DAY. FRANCE. PARIS ALL FOR ME. on the other, other hand, whirlwind tour of europe via cruise. i've never been on a cruise, but i really, really wanna. *wants* and those are just the three options i settled on. there's 15 options. i could go to the czech republic, or london. italy or germany. see more of poland. see germany-poland-france. austria. CONFLICTED. why oh why can't i have money??? i want them all. ALL.


and i hate to do it, but i'm agreeing with celestine now as she's going to austria in august for the same purpose as why i'm in poland... and she keeps saying that she doesn't know when she'll be in europe again. !!! she's going to turkey for her extend-o-stay. when will i ever get the baltic sea cruise again? on the other hand, when will i see france again (not bloody likely, lemme tell ya)??? i'll always have england, so i'm not worried about that. but... but... DUDE.
wellownedbkup: (bump low carb)
so, in other news, i haven't told y'all what i'm doing about my weight in a while. by which, i'm really saying that i haven't talked about losing weight lately, have i?

anyway.

so, a few months ago, my mom saw this thing called the 6 Week Body Makeover ).

so. she got the program, we've looked it over and started buying the food so that we can get on the right track. we started on tuesday after weighing in monday evening. and it's been less than a week, but here's what's happened thus far:

Start Weight: 301 lbs )

yeah. 10 lbs down, without the exercise. *does a dance*

and you know what's messed up? i'm eating 5 or 6 times a day, and i'm not hungry. ok, i'll admit, i kinda get the shakes every now and again because i'll have breakfast and elevenses and lunch, but then i'll have class and can't have after-school snack because dinner happens at 6ish. so stuff's getting smushed together weird.

also messed up? i'm not exercising like i should be doing. i'm doing a lot of walking right now that i wasn't back when i was driving more often (ugh, catching TARC SUCKS SO BAD), which is a good thing. but i'm really more interested in working on the lack of muscle tone i have underneath this cushy exterior. muscles burn more calories, right? gad, i need to be back at ups for this week or something. serious.


so. WHEE. maybe the next time y'all see me? i'll be half the girl i used to be. :)

[heh. pictures may follow, once i notice a real difference that isn't "hey, i can't see my stomach over my boobs like i used to!"]
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so maybe it's not awkward anymore, so much as it's... distant.

so maybe i kept his cell number in my phone and i text him. what better way to talk after the breakup-that-wasn't than use the same form of communication?

so i text him and tell him i miss him and that it's been ages since we talked. and that i worry for him. (if only cause i think he deleted his bebo profile)

and he texts back. says he's fine and working loads, hopes i'm ok and misses me too.

not awkward. just... distant. no longer easy.
wellownedbkup: (attack kimono)
god. i've just looked at what i'm doing. i'm trying to write 3 books, 3 characters, a 25K nanowrimo warm-up, and planning a 50K book. yikes.

the plan: )

gah. this is not cool.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i think now's as good a time as any to get my month in order (that is, the end of this month and all of september).

so. here's where i cut to a different scene. )
wellownedbkup: (geisha)
well, max had them up, so i'd drop mine as well... surveys for you. )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
* Make a post (public, friends-locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want. * If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. * Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two * Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part: * If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

all i want for christmas is... )
11. a trip to england.
12. andy to love me.
13. to weigh less than 165 lbs. or to fit into a 12. whichever comes first.
14. to be able to swim a full lap without hyperventilating.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
no, god. it's ok. i promise. it's not like i want my friends up and about. really.

i'm sure you have good reason.

yes, i know i'm being sarcastic, but hear me out. she's really gravy. solid, y'know? but she's had it up past *here* with the stress. do you think you could slide her a vacation? she needs some time off because she'll break otherwise. if you could?

great.

couldn't you be some kind of genie though? i know three wishes. 1. andy loves me and will marry me. right after my webbie loses the bet. 2. all my friends are healthy forever. healthy in all aspects too. none of that you get what you asked for crap. and 3. could you make me beautiful? please? yes it's vain but you have no idea what it's like to have...

well. you know. but still.

i just wish it were all easier. where's MY easy button? where's my help when my ankle is weak and my eye is all twitchy and my back is crapping out and...

i only have one last thing to ask. i know you are the busiest man in the universe. but do you think you can hook me up with a NaNo for this year? i wanna know how it feels to win.

just asking.

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