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"the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"

sex was not what i expected. that's a silly thing to say, i'm sure. but when i look at my past in regards knowing about sex? yeah, it fits.

my mom's one of those people who *hates* sex. seriously thinks it's messy and not fun and disgusting and is secretly happy that she hasn't had sex with my dad for at least 15 years, if not longer. and while most of me shudders to know that little tidbit of information, i get why they haven't (mom's been in various and sundry accidents and sicknesses for about that long, slowly spiralling down and down from there until we've reached the current status of mom in a hospital bed and dad in a recliner, most times whole rooms apart). i understand my mom's point of view, and it's not like my dad's much better -- he spent a few years pretty much catatonic, and came back from that incapable of real physical emotional connections. it hurt him to hug.

so i *get* my parents. mostly. so sex just.... didn't come up. or, if it did, it was explained as "between husband and wife only, and pretty much only for reproduction. kinda pleasurable, but messy, etc." and me being a pretty good kid on the whole, i had issues when my sister went and slept around with a bunch of guys and got pregnant and she spiralled into the kind of person she is today. i spent awhile angry at her, then got over it. it wasn't my business.

so imagine my surprise when i start talking to D*. D was.... kinda cool. we talked on the phone and online and texted back and forth before i actually met him face to face. and, like i said. i was a good kid. i mean, in comparison with my sister, i was a saint. but i meet up with D and he's on an hour break from work... which we proceed to use as an opportunity to make out. nonstop. a whole hour. this sorta threw me for a loop because... i'd never kissed anyone. and kissing him was so good. i still had some brainpower, despite the way he made me tremble and how this was all new experiences that i was having, so i was able to keep his hands mostly away from where he wanted them (in my pants, between my legs, etc).

no one told me that it could snowball from there. that by the end of the week, after seeing him almost every day, we would've spent a date out with him feeling me up and distracting me all through whatever movie we were watching, or that i would pull over and blow him in a parking lot. new experiences, right? or that within a month, he would have me bent over a couch in the middle of the afternoon, losing what was left of my virginity.

the undiscovered country, with me finding every opportunity i could to have my mouth on him, him inside me. until it consumed almost my every thought. the things i did for him..... i still have to be very careful about speeding, for fear that i'm going to get arrested for skipping out on a court date (did you know that you can get a ticket for fucking in your car in broad daylight?). even now, i would give almost anything to get my mouth back on his dick.


i know my mom thought sex was icky and messy and everything. but there are times where it feels like it was the only thing keeping me sane. sometimes i feel addicted.... especially after some stupidity on my part, seeing him even after we'd broken up. but.... god. i wish someone had told me that i would cross into this undiscovered (by me) country and lose myself so completely.

* - names abbreviated because i have to stop talking about him eventually.

Date: 2010-11-06 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] majesticarky.livejournal.com
I liked the graphic nature of this, especially the bit about fucking in the car XD. Well at least you didn't get a sex offender citation.

Date: 2010-11-06 02:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
yeah... about that. *hangs head* have citation for the broad daylight thing. was supposed to go to court.... missed the date. we broke up.... i still need to go. :(

but glad you liked. thanks for reading.

Date: 2010-11-07 12:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quoting-mungo.livejournal.com
While I didn't go quite that far (or at least I don't think I ever did anything that would get me in legal trouble), I can certainly emphatize. And after we broke up, I've kind of started to realize that the "legal trouble" bit wasn't entirely for lack of trying on my ex's part.

I agree with Arky, this really worked with the graphicness.

Date: 2010-11-08 03:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
thanks for reading. glad it worked.

yeah.... D had some exhibitionism issues. one of us should have been paying more attention. i just.... got hung up really easily in whatever we were doing. undiscovered country and all.

Date: 2010-11-08 09:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quoting-mungo.livejournal.com
I had to check your userinfo to make sure you weren't from around here, here being relative; your ex shares an initial with mine. (I don't know that he ever did it in a car, but that's probably mostly because he to my knowledge didn't get his license before he slipped out of my life entirely. I do know first time he mentioned his next girlfriend to me was to tell me he'd done her in the gym on campus.)


-Alexandra

Date: 2010-11-08 12:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
yeah. D didn't have a local license, but had it from his home state. they didn't give him one here. like i said. i should have been paying better attention... what with it being *my* car and all.

.... i don't know quite how i would feel if D talked to me about his next girlfriend. i want to be ok.... but i doubt i would be. even with how much i hate the way i am now about him, i still have a great deal of love for him.

Date: 2010-11-08 12:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quoting-mungo.livejournal.com
I was more annoyed with my ex when he didn't, to be honest. He told me, when he dumped me, he wanted to still be friends, and then it took him months to mention his girlfriend to me. I'd found out that he had one period from one of my friends who he stayed in touch with better, but he never actually told me he was dating someone. He just talked about his girlfriend as though I already knew one day.

But then he seems to have rapidly descended into being a dumbass since we stopped dating. (No, this is not me wearing ex-girlfriend glasses; people who know us both have relayed events where he did things that were pretty objectively douche-ey, and which the Ex I knew would never have entertained the thought of doing.)

Date: 2010-11-08 01:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
i fear that the majority of my exes turn into raging douchey assholes, even when they claim they wanna be friends. D was really cool when i was with him (mostly), but turned into somebody who didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. same with some others i've known (including one who just turned into an asshole to me specifically cause he felt guilty about how he treated me....).

i'm totally beginning to wonder if it's me. :(

Date: 2010-11-08 02:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quoting-mungo.livejournal.com
Awww. *hugs* I know why my ex turned into an ass, but I totally recognize the feeling all the same.

Date: 2010-11-08 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
:} thanks *hugs*

Date: 2010-11-07 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lawchicky.livejournal.com
Sorry about the speeding ticket, but at least you had some fun right?

Date: 2010-11-08 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
not a speeding ticket, in point of fact. but a citation nonetheless. skipping out on a court date means that, should i get pulled over, they could probably haul me off to jail. (i didn't mean to skip out on it. just didn't have any money to pay, nor a ride to court.... nor a good explanation for why i'd be there short of telling my parents the truth. some things just mustn't be done!)

but yeah. it was a helluva lot of fun.

Date: 2010-11-09 07:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] locknkey.livejournal.com
One of the promises I've made is to be as open and educated about sex as I can and to share it with my kid. My mom told me that once you 'did it' that it was harder to say no, but she never explained what that meant. *sigh* I hope to do better.

Date: 2010-11-09 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
yeah, my mom never told me that. i wish she had so i could have been stronger about saying no. as it is, right now? really, really having trouble saying no anymore. *sigh*

please do better. if i ever have kids, i certainly will be better about it. not that i intend on having kids. but there's always the possibility.

Date: 2010-11-09 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] locknkey.livejournal.com
Most of my fannish writing is underage, because I'm both researching and trying to understand/remember what it really is like, because I don't believe abstinence talks work, but I think open and honest communication does. I think burying your head as a parent is asking for your kids to figure it out on their own and that seldom goes well.

I never intended t have kids. :) But, I try everyday to be a better parent. :)

Date: 2010-11-09 08:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
it kinda depends on your kid? mom had the abstinence talks with all of us. my older brother? is still a virgin, waiting til marriage. i'm kinda proud of him since he's almost 30 and still waiting.

then you have my baby sister who.... has been having sex since she was 17, lying to our parents and ended up getting pregnant by and marrying an asshole loser who emotionally abuses her. they're currently sorta separated, but mostly together because she can't see how to get herself out of that situation.

and then there's... me. abstinence talks worked! until i started reading and watching porn because my libido was going crazy and i was bored. and earlier this year i just got tired of being good (for a whole different other reason, but still linked to this). so i found a guy that i thought i'd be spending my life with. and it was good at the same time as it was bad. and after 4 months, we weren't together anymore.


so. yes. it depends on the kids. and since that's the way it goes, it helps to have the "abstain. but if you can't abstain, then here's how the cookie crumbles." and give options. give facts. give support. cause god only knows how my folks would feel if they knew i actually had been sneaking out for sex. they only know that i *nearly* had sex with a *different* guy.

Date: 2010-11-09 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] locknkey.livejournal.com
yes. it depends on the kids absolutely. :) I also think the emotional consequences and intimacy component gets left out and, well, I want my child to know what all his options are. I'm not strict abstinence person, but I think it's a valid option and admire anyone who goes that route - ultimately good sex is work and based on communication so I don't think trying the ride means anything. That burst of initial passion doesn't usually last anyway. I want him to respect himself and hopefully value his body/emotions in way that he'll understand what he's getting into - if that makes sense?

and give options. give facts. give support *nods* - yes and let him know that he can talk to me. I wish there were more safe places for teens to explore and understand sexuality, it seems to be all or nothing and I think there has to be a middle ground, but I still don't know what that is. :(

Date: 2010-11-09 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
you make absolute sense! i think you've got the idea well in hand, and your child is lucky to have you. :) if my mom and dad had been half as understanding, i'd stand a better chance. as it is.... here on LJ is where i get the majority of my info and help. and, much as i love my friends.... it's not the brightest idea to go to them for advice. they know how it goes... but it's easy to write them off.

the lack of middle ground is a big problem. but considering how parents in general react to the subject of sex for their kids.... *shrug* it's going to be all or nothing. as if telling a kid about sex means they'll have sex. or explaining safe sex practices condones/encourages sex. it's a tricky balance trying to give the information as a parent, let alone a school.

i don't think there really is a safe middle ground that works for all parties. maybe it just comes down to knowing what kind of person your child is and then laying it out. as you said, making sure he can come talk to you. (i wish my folks had been the kind who wouldn't judge if one day i came to ask them how to deal with a situation.... instead of automatically assuming that i was turning into a slut who'd bang everyone walking through and needed to be locked down to parent-approved gatherings AT THE AGE OF 24. sorry. rage. it happens.) i hope you find it.

Date: 2010-11-09 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rejeneration.livejournal.com
Hmm, typically in a, well-- for me I consider it a "writing" contest-- I'm looking for the whole shebang. Caps and punctuation and spelling, etc. This, though? This worked. It's playful, makes up a part of the atmosphere.

I love the grittiness, or... that's not really the word. I love the filthiness of it. Loving it makes me hate myself a bit because the context is all wrong.

Great piece. Definitely a +1 from me.

Date: 2010-11-09 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadows-of.livejournal.com
i know what you mean about this being a writing contest and needing to show that i actually understand the rules of grammar, spelling, etc. i'm glad, though, that it works within the frame of what's said.

filthy is possibly the right word for it. :) i'm glad you love it in spite of/ because of that.

thank you for reading, as well as for your comment.

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