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[personal profile] wellownedbkup
"the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"

sex was not what i expected. that's a silly thing to say, i'm sure. but when i look at my past in regards knowing about sex? yeah, it fits.

my mom's one of those people who *hates* sex. seriously thinks it's messy and not fun and disgusting and is secretly happy that she hasn't had sex with my dad for at least 15 years, if not longer. and while most of me shudders to know that little tidbit of information, i get why they haven't (mom's been in various and sundry accidents and sicknesses for about that long, slowly spiralling down and down from there until we've reached the current status of mom in a hospital bed and dad in a recliner, most times whole rooms apart). i understand my mom's point of view, and it's not like my dad's much better -- he spent a few years pretty much catatonic, and came back from that incapable of real physical emotional connections. it hurt him to hug.

so i *get* my parents. mostly. so sex just.... didn't come up. or, if it did, it was explained as "between husband and wife only, and pretty much only for reproduction. kinda pleasurable, but messy, etc." and me being a pretty good kid on the whole, i had issues when my sister went and slept around with a bunch of guys and got pregnant and she spiralled into the kind of person she is today. i spent awhile angry at her, then got over it. it wasn't my business.

so imagine my surprise when i start talking to D*. D was.... kinda cool. we talked on the phone and online and texted back and forth before i actually met him face to face. and, like i said. i was a good kid. i mean, in comparison with my sister, i was a saint. but i meet up with D and he's on an hour break from work... which we proceed to use as an opportunity to make out. nonstop. a whole hour. this sorta threw me for a loop because... i'd never kissed anyone. and kissing him was so good. i still had some brainpower, despite the way he made me tremble and how this was all new experiences that i was having, so i was able to keep his hands mostly away from where he wanted them (in my pants, between my legs, etc).

no one told me that it could snowball from there. that by the end of the week, after seeing him almost every day, we would've spent a date out with him feeling me up and distracting me all through whatever movie we were watching, or that i would pull over and blow him in a parking lot. new experiences, right? or that within a month, he would have me bent over a couch in the middle of the afternoon, losing what was left of my virginity.

the undiscovered country, with me finding every opportunity i could to have my mouth on him, him inside me. until it consumed almost my every thought. the things i did for him..... i still have to be very careful about speeding, for fear that i'm going to get arrested for skipping out on a court date (did you know that you can get a ticket for fucking in your car in broad daylight?). even now, i would give almost anything to get my mouth back on his dick.

i know my mom thought sex was icky and messy and everything. but there are times where it feels like it was the only thing keeping me sane. sometimes i feel addicted.... especially after some stupidity on my part, seeing him even after we'd broken up. but.... god. i wish someone had told me that i would cross into this undiscovered (by me) country and lose myself so completely.

* - names abbreviated because i have to stop talking about him eventually.
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