lj idol, week 3, smile

[wellownedbkup]

Smile

Of all the things I like or don't like about myself (I'm a woman, so I'm slightly entitled to disliking more about myself than is necessarily dislikable...), I'm the most ambivalent about my smile. Yearbook pictures are like a string of bad DMV visits. Somehow they always scheduled those photos at the worst time of day: lunchtime. My hair would've flattened and gotten fuzzy from the up-and-down of traveling three flights of stairs for class and lunch. And anxiety would've led to a near sleepless night the night before. Add to that the worst genetic trait to be passed down from my paternal side: lazy eye. It was a recipe for disaster every time. Suddenly, all the yearbooks or the picture orders would come home and I would look OLD: bags under my eyes, only focusing on the camera with one eye and a lopsided, tired half-smile, one that begged to be let return to a boring day of school so that I could go nap or something.

Worst. Ever.

I have to admit, I did have two or three good pictures when I was in school. But they were the few times I did not smile or even make the attempt. (That is, except for one picture in 1st grade... but since I was tiny and overeager, I'm not too worried about it.) Take, for instance, my senior portraits at Glamour Shots. I know, I know. Automatically, each picture is airbrushed for quality and the soft, romantic look. I know. But. Honestly. I was wrapped in a lovely red boa and staring down into a light. 3/4 profile shot, no smile to be had. I looked beautiful. It was the first time I ever thought I had potential to be pretty. You only saw my lazy eye maybe twice in all the proofs, which is a major win in my book.

But. I mean. I have smiled in pictures before. And not all of them are terrible. I've got some of the most perfect teeth I've seen outside of folks having braces (not bragging, it's fact). My entire top row of teeth are even and straight and just... perfectly aligned in that "Wow, you must've paid a pretty penny for that smile" kind of way. You'd think that kind of thing would make me smile more on the whole.

I just. I don't know.

My boss tells me that she worried about me in my job for a while when she first came on as manager. I deal with students, staff and faculty at my University with any minor technical problems they have with their laptops or the computer lab I manage. And my blank face? Very angry and closed off. If it wasn't for my impeccable service when asked a question, the way I make sure the problem is completely solved before I wish the customer a good day... I wouldn't have become the student manager. I was told that I should smile more, in order to not seem so unapproachable. It's nothing I'm doing on purpose. I just don't find all that much to smile about on a regular basis.

Which brings us to the crux of the matter, I guess. I feel like an idiot sitting around with a smile on my face all the time. What's so cheery in the world? There's far more to think about, to be concerned over, to feel distress about. I'd look silly if I always had a smile.

Which is a shame. My smile's not bad, not all the time.

Comments

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Which one in the picture is you?

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

in the middle. should've specified, i know. :D

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

That was my guess. You look nice!

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

:) thanks! i think it was a good day for pictures, at least at that point.

[impoetry.livejournal.com]

I like your smile!~ And your entry! And here's a *hug.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* thanks!!

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I hate having my picture taken. My eyes don't always focus so I'm very self conscious! But I do smile quite a bit. Good entry!

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

ha, thank you very much. i swear, every picture i take makes me look so tired and unfocused, it's ridiculous. so when i get good pictures, it's always a surprise.

good for you on smiling though! i'm always happy to see people happy. i just don't know what to do with myself about it.

[stormkitty.livejournal.com]

Good entry. I agree, school pics should be done first thing as soon as you walk in the door looking awesome.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

yes! so glad someone else agrees with me. :D thanks!

[mstrobel.livejournal.com]

I also agree with that totally! I had *perfect* hair for our school dance ... by the time pictures were taken, however, it was all limp and sad looking. The only nice picture of my hair is the one where I'm in a t-shirt and had just gotten home from the salon XD

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

aw, man! that blows. i bet your hair was gorgeous.

[brand0new0day.livejournal.com]

I like your smile! And I like this entry. :)

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

haha, thank you very much. *blushes* i'm glad you liked it.

[shadowwolf13]

Great picture and post. :)

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

:D thank you very much. very kind of you.

[oldscratchx.livejournal.com]

Good post, none of the smiles in this picture are bad, btw.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

hah, thanks so much! the little girl in the background just couldn't stop herself from being in the picture too.

thanks for reading!

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

It was the first time I ever thought I had potential to be pretty.
Oh, bb. *hugs*

Your smile is lovely.

(And I look like a drug addict in all my yearbook pictures. XD)

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

thanks. *blush*

honestly, i think my senior yearbook pic was the worst. middle of summer and no air conditioning meant that my pic was like i'd been beaten in the face and the swelling was just going down. :( so, yeah. commiseration. :)

[ohgollygeedamn.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed reading this! You certainly look gorgeous in that picture at any rate.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

haha, thanks so much, both for reading and the compliment. :D

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Awww, you have a very pretty smile...:)

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

heh, thanks ever so.

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

Oh, you have a lovely smile!

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

*blush* thank you!

[dreamchaser.livejournal.com]

You have a very lovely smile :)

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

thank you very much. you're very kind.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Too bad it didn't work out for you in school pictures- I got some pretty bad ones too ! My hair is usually a mess! But you do have a great smile. Very adorable pic.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

hee. thank you! i'm beginning to think school pictures were a bad idea all around for everyone.

[plastrickland23.livejournal.com]

Great picture. You look very happy. (middle person if I read comments right?) I used to have that lazy eye thing too. I mostly out grew it. I hear my birth mother had it her whole life. Yeah...school pix are such mug shots, aren't they? I'm a teacher now and even my adult school pix are pretty goofy looking. It's part me and part the Life Touch people.
P.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

god, life touch!! worst pictures i ever took. we used Signature every once and awhile while i was in elementary school. at that point, i think i just hated my forehead and we were still doing the whole... ponytail on top of the head, thing. *shudder*

yep, that's me in the middle. and it was a good day! two of my friends got married and i actually got to see the wedding (usually i end up just making the reception).

at this point, i don't think i'm outgrowing it, but i'm learning to manage it. not being too tired, focusing on one point, not getting pictures taken from above my head....


anyway... thanks for reading and for your lovely comment!

[geniusinmaine.livejournal.com]

Whenever I look through my old yearbooks, I try to avoid looking at pictures of myself, though the ones in my senior year actually weren't that bad.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

i've only got my freshman year and my senior year of high school in yearbooks, so i get to avoid all old pictures until my parents whip out the BIG BOOK OF FAMILY PHOTOS and then i'm totally doomed.