i sit here locked inside my head, remembering everything you said. the silence gets us nowhere...

i died again today.

just a small death, but it's been in the works for a long time. i died and there was no one to catch me because i never confide in anyone. so i died without a hand to hold.

i died today. just like last semester and the semester before. a seasonal funk that translated into four years and counting. what happened to studious little me? when did i become someone who has no attention span, procrastinates like there's plenty of time, and then skips class though there's no reason to? i'm losing myself and drowning in this neverending pool of failure by absence.

god.

i haven't been to either french class in three weeks or so. which means i fail anyway. i was on campus and i didn't go because.... what? i don't even know. and i'm stressing myself out for no purpose. waiting until three days before a 6 page paper is due to remember that i need to read the book for it and that i don't even remember what i'm supposed to write. and maybe it would've been easier had i gone to that class, but there's no attendance policy and that works just fine for me. i think i'll go at least once a week to that class. make sure i know a test hasn't been moved.

i remember reading an article on perfectionism. that a person will avoid failure at all costs. including not doing work or not showing up period.that they'll take over everything or do nothing. i swear to god that's me.

but i'm not allowed to have a mental disorder (or need a therapist or even need help). that's just for (forgive the terminology. it's my family saying it, not me) white people. i'm half black and a harrington besides. i can deal with my problems and work them out and be better than everybody without a single friend. or... at least, i should be able to do all that.

i died again today. just like i've done for the past four years and counting.