wellownedbkup: (travel)
preface: this is a religious trip. and will thus be centered on that.

july 16-19, poland for international convention of jehovah's witnesses.
deposit due by february 2, full cost due march 23rd.

surrounding trip choices:
[a]: poland only. 1 week, travel to warsaw. 2500 dollars.
[b]: france and poland. 12 days, bastille day free in paris, trip to monet's house. 3100 dollars.
[c]: denmark, sweden, germany, russia, estonia, poland. 18 day cruise, with stops in copenhagen, stockholm, visby, kiel, st. petersburg, talinn. 6000 dollars.

i can easily get the money for the first trip. i want france like burning, and this'll probably be my only trip; i could maybe swing an independent learning credit out of it. but you can't pass up a 6 country tour... even if i'll have to sell blood, organs, all my worldly possessions and then some to do it.

I'M SO CONFLICTED. on the one hand, money woes. on the other hand, BASTILLE DAY. FRANCE. PARIS ALL FOR ME. on the other, other hand, whirlwind tour of europe via cruise. i've never been on a cruise, but i really, really wanna. *wants* and those are just the three options i settled on. there's 15 options. i could go to the czech republic, or london. italy or germany. see more of poland. see germany-poland-france. austria. CONFLICTED. why oh why can't i have money??? i want them all. ALL.

and i hate to do it, but i'm agreeing with celestine now as she's going to austria in august for the same purpose as why i'm in poland... and she keeps saying that she doesn't know when she'll be in europe again. !!! she's going to turkey for her extend-o-stay. when will i ever get the baltic sea cruise again? on the other hand, when will i see france again (not bloody likely, lemme tell ya)??? i'll always have england, so i'm not worried about that. but... but... DUDE.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so maybe it's not awkward anymore, so much as it's... distant.

so maybe i kept his cell number in my phone and i text him. what better way to talk after the breakup-that-wasn't than use the same form of communication?

so i text him and tell him i miss him and that it's been ages since we talked. and that i worry for him. (if only cause i think he deleted his bebo profile)

and he texts back. says he's fine and working loads, hopes i'm ok and misses me too.

not awkward. just... distant. no longer easy.
wellownedbkup: (pirates beware)
alright. that does it. I'M CONFUSED.

because of all the things to happen, i'm totally not prepared for Juanboy to suddenly derail a conversation. what? didn't like that i was talking about another guy while talking to you? think i only fall for dark-haired men? you jealous?

because juanboy, you sure as hell haven't staked enough of a claim on me that i'm gonna stop making friends with guys that aren't you. hell, there's been nothing to say we're dating or anything like that. so suddenly changing the topic? i know i jump topics like that. you sure as hell don't.

god, i can only find it hilarious. because, one second i'm all like "i was talking to The New Boy. and it's a shame his ex treated him like that. totally uncool." i get two txts in for that. and Juanboy's like. "yeah. so i'm planning on visiting you." nice segue there, buddy. really. i couldn't even tell that you wanted a quick topic change. how very smooth of you.

Celestine called it a triangle. what a way to make it sound sordid, baby. because apparently i love Juanboy (which i'll say is true, but i'm not too sure about), and he at least *likes* me. but so does The New Boy. which is also true. but it makes it sound so... not seedy, but clandestine and dirty as a triangle. like THE EPIC THREESOME OF DOOM from KSA. which, btw, she knows nothing about.

but. god. i finally got to talk to Juanboy again and he's jealous? tell me, then. was September a Proclamation? am i spoken for? someone make this clear to me because my love life is too much a mess right now for me to figure out.
wellownedbkup: (noir)
god save me from myself and well-meaning english boys.

ok, so i've picked up with this really decent guy i've talked to for... uh... a time? but only met in person once. (oh jeez, i'm in a fucking internet relationship.) and only briefly at that, in that i rode in the same car as him, but we didn't really, ya know, chat.

at any rate. his cousin's a rat bastard that i happened to like for a while. miami. yeah. him. and he's friends with my juanboy, who keeps fucking avoiding me online. *keyboard smash of disapproval*

so. i've kinda picked up with him. and he's really nice. like my age or thereabouts. he's pretty skilled (a carpenter, which takes actual talent, buddy). and we talk. small talk, but we talk. for long periods of time which kills me. but i worry. because he's on the rebound. he's like fresh out of a long-term relationship and I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL. but, like, he's asking me if i'm seeing anyone. and if i like where i live. and like.. i dunno. dude. this is .... and i say bye like i do to *everyone* (night, darling. because pet names get me out of using real names get me some pseudo affection get me talking to everyone on the same fucking level no matter the sex). and he says "night. take care. xx."

xx. like, kisses. like... seriously? and basing that on my england experience period, that's like... wayyyy left field. like juanboy affectionate (a hug at two weeks. taking care of me for a weekend. "love ya, sis" which means everything and nothing). so is that like his goodbye to girls, period? or is that his... goodbye? or...

i could tear my hair out right now. because i haven't done anything but be myself. and this is still confusing the hell outta me. because... ok. so asking me about my home life and my dating life and telling me your personal life and talking to me for two hours? shouldn't that mean something? or am i reading too much into this again?

so here's my problem )

nothing i know can prepare me for knowing if this is a first move from the new boy. if september was a move from my juanboy. i've been told i'm too fat to be loved like... oh. i just dunno. i may possibly be what the new boy wants. i may possibly be dating my juanboy. but i'm so ill-prepared for the dating scene...

i don't know what i'm gonna do. whether i'll reciprocate with the new boy. whether that would be unfaithful to my juanboy. or if i'm just taking it all way too seriously. maybe the boys are just being friendly. maybe i'm just their opening to what hot americans they can catch (maybe not the new boy so much, as he's been to NY once, and florida 5 times... thank god for a traveling type...), or i'm the girl they can hang with and have no worries. a way to rebel against their parents (because america's a den of iniquity and sin and sodom and gomorrah just moved here instead of getting destroyed) by hanging with an american girl.....

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i fail utterly at the game. at recognizing the difference between moves and friendly overtures. because if i really am picking up with the new boy, i'm gonna become THAT GIRL, that rebound girl, that desperate loser who the guy settles for.

jesus fuck, it's too early in the morning to be having a crisis of relationships.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
swiped from angelchildr )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
through the darkness and the shadows, the nightmare of today )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i think now's as good a time as any to get my month in order (that is, the end of this month and all of september).

so. here's where i cut to a different scene. )
wellownedbkup: (mad here)

boy. does that sound wrong. but i'm labeling him as mine. so my john (my jc, my english!John) wrote me a letter back! how great is that?!? i write him, he writes me...

my gramma read it and said he's just as geeky as me. we're both like comic books and movies and babbling about all kinds of stuff. and i found out he cried when i left and that makes me feel all speshuwul and stuff.

of course it's written like this:

"Since U left......soz jus had to get my diary, U left, Aug 5, we went to the Cinema to see Charlie dint we? that was cool!!!! Everyone reckons I cried wen U left but I swear it was the damn fries!!!! It was emotional tho. Miss U to."

and it goes on like that most of the letter. leave it to me to be friends with someone who doesn't spell well. or goes on in english shorthanded teenspeak.

hahahah... i'm so anal about stuff. i need to get over it.

sadly, miami (my andy) hasn't written me back. blast. that blows so badly.

but thanks to this latest from jc, i'm now being put on the marriage market... according to my gramma. he's only... 4 months younger than me (physically) and 3 years older than me (mentally due to school). and i'm 20 going on 50 going on 5. yay for me.

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