wellownedbkup: (existential)
it's funny, all the things you start remembering as you get older. stuff i know i didn't remember before. like how i used to wear cross colours and bonjour and chic jeans. or how i've always had a thing for blonds or black dudes that were friends with me.

there's things like how me and lenore were the bestest of best friends in elementary school and she was an idiot wearing a tank top on a field trip downtown in late fall, so i lent her my sweater and i was standing around in a silk shirt, but it was still awesome. or how the line between hero worship and love is really non-existent in my head, especially after that one student teacher.

there's how hallways stretched long and frightening without a book to read while walking against a crowd of people. or how my mom's current room was the scariest in my house because it was the only one without a light fixture in it. and how, when we shared the room, my brother always took the top bunk. there's how i've always been on the bottom bunk and how, when i was sick, my brother would turn on the tape player to our favorite tape, tuck me in and give me peace and quiet while everyone else ate dinner. how sometimes i think we were closer friends than me and my sister because at least he looked out for me when we were at brandeis together.

but i guess it's less of that and how just yesterday i realized that i've always skated that line. i wore buttondowns over t-shirts and a guy reached up between the two and was trying to feel me up and i didn't even realize it until he'd touched my boob. and it'd been weeks of him laying on me, doing that. he got to second base before ever touching first and i feel... somewhat jilted.

and there's other things too--how i kinda miss high school now like a tangible thing, where i would change what i did for what i know now. because, yes, i would've taken jones' molesting further and my girls would've had to put up with PDAs because i would've let him do almost anything. shameless, yes, but true. i still have a curiosity about a certain piercing. (it didn't even take me getting drunk to tell him that i wish we'd met in some other time, where i wasn't who i was. it took a long ride to cincinnati, i think, and my feet against the car window and nostalgia. and i told him "i wish we'd met in some other time. i think we would've been fantastic." and how he texted back that he was sorry. and how it was sad but made sense, how i still think it passes through us from time to time and how i want to heal that boy's wounds, but know i'm not for him. how he promised me that he'd leave me what he made when he went to the army, and the drunken phone call at 1 in the morning where he promised me he'd be back. and how i haven't seen him since black friday.) or maybe i would've stopped repressing so hard and maybe have told one or two girls that maybe i wasn't so loving of them platonically. (granted, i'm still working that out right now, trying to decide if this is me being lonely, impressionable, or if it really has been there all along. and then whether i should act on it at all, considering the objects of my affection are all straight.)

or i wish i could go back to middle school and actually understand what max was saying to me, instead of just hearing the words and being glad he was talking to me still. savoring sharing eighth grade graduation with the two boys i'd adored as opposed to the girls i called my friends. but, more importantly, going back and actually working out my life's course properly.

these memories are all the paths i've taken, the ones that lead me to today and make me who i am. they're all the paths i wish i could've changed, the ones i wish i'd stayed on longer. if i could turn time backwards, i would go back and fix it. maybe i would've never become solidly insane but loved without high school. smart and honest without the brilliant minds i met in middle school. blunt and careful without the stability of family and faith in elementary school.

i just wish that now didn't seem so pale and lackluster in comparison.
wellownedbkup: (travel)
preface: this is a religious trip. and will thus be centered on that.

july 16-19, poland for international convention of jehovah's witnesses.
deposit due by february 2, full cost due march 23rd.

surrounding trip choices:
[a]: poland only. 1 week, travel to warsaw. 2500 dollars.
[b]: france and poland. 12 days, bastille day free in paris, trip to monet's house. 3100 dollars.
[c]: denmark, sweden, germany, russia, estonia, poland. 18 day cruise, with stops in copenhagen, stockholm, visby, kiel, st. petersburg, talinn. 6000 dollars.

i can easily get the money for the first trip. i want france like burning, and this'll probably be my only trip; i could maybe swing an independent learning credit out of it. but you can't pass up a 6 country tour... even if i'll have to sell blood, organs, all my worldly possessions and then some to do it.

I'M SO CONFLICTED. on the one hand, money woes. on the other hand, BASTILLE DAY. FRANCE. PARIS ALL FOR ME. on the other, other hand, whirlwind tour of europe via cruise. i've never been on a cruise, but i really, really wanna. *wants* and those are just the three options i settled on. there's 15 options. i could go to the czech republic, or london. italy or germany. see more of poland. see germany-poland-france. austria. CONFLICTED. why oh why can't i have money??? i want them all. ALL.

and i hate to do it, but i'm agreeing with celestine now as she's going to austria in august for the same purpose as why i'm in poland... and she keeps saying that she doesn't know when she'll be in europe again. !!! she's going to turkey for her extend-o-stay. when will i ever get the baltic sea cruise again? on the other hand, when will i see france again (not bloody likely, lemme tell ya)??? i'll always have england, so i'm not worried about that. but... but... DUDE.
wellownedbkup: (bump low carb)
so, in other news, i haven't told y'all what i'm doing about my weight in a while. by which, i'm really saying that i haven't talked about losing weight lately, have i?


so, a few months ago, my mom saw this thing called the 6 Week Body Makeover ).

so. she got the program, we've looked it over and started buying the food so that we can get on the right track. we started on tuesday after weighing in monday evening. and it's been less than a week, but here's what's happened thus far:

Start Weight: 301 lbs )

yeah. 10 lbs down, without the exercise. *does a dance*

and you know what's messed up? i'm eating 5 or 6 times a day, and i'm not hungry. ok, i'll admit, i kinda get the shakes every now and again because i'll have breakfast and elevenses and lunch, but then i'll have class and can't have after-school snack because dinner happens at 6ish. so stuff's getting smushed together weird.

also messed up? i'm not exercising like i should be doing. i'm doing a lot of walking right now that i wasn't back when i was driving more often (ugh, catching TARC SUCKS SO BAD), which is a good thing. but i'm really more interested in working on the lack of muscle tone i have underneath this cushy exterior. muscles burn more calories, right? gad, i need to be back at ups for this week or something. serious.

so. WHEE. maybe the next time y'all see me? i'll be half the girl i used to be. :)

[heh. pictures may follow, once i notice a real difference that isn't "hey, i can't see my stomach over my boobs like i used to!"]
wellownedbkup: (noir)
god save me from myself and well-meaning english boys.

ok, so i've picked up with this really decent guy i've talked to for... uh... a time? but only met in person once. (oh jeez, i'm in a fucking internet relationship.) and only briefly at that, in that i rode in the same car as him, but we didn't really, ya know, chat.

at any rate. his cousin's a rat bastard that i happened to like for a while. miami. yeah. him. and he's friends with my juanboy, who keeps fucking avoiding me online. *keyboard smash of disapproval*

so. i've kinda picked up with him. and he's really nice. like my age or thereabouts. he's pretty skilled (a carpenter, which takes actual talent, buddy). and we talk. small talk, but we talk. for long periods of time which kills me. but i worry. because he's on the rebound. he's like fresh out of a long-term relationship and I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL. but, like, he's asking me if i'm seeing anyone. and if i like where i live. and like.. i dunno. dude. this is .... and i say bye like i do to *everyone* (night, darling. because pet names get me out of using real names get me some pseudo affection get me talking to everyone on the same fucking level no matter the sex). and he says "night. take care. xx."

xx. like, kisses. like... seriously? and basing that on my england experience period, that's like... wayyyy left field. like juanboy affectionate (a hug at two weeks. taking care of me for a weekend. "love ya, sis" which means everything and nothing). so is that like his goodbye to girls, period? or is that his... goodbye? or...

i could tear my hair out right now. because i haven't done anything but be myself. and this is still confusing the hell outta me. because... ok. so asking me about my home life and my dating life and telling me your personal life and talking to me for two hours? shouldn't that mean something? or am i reading too much into this again?

so here's my problem )

nothing i know can prepare me for knowing if this is a first move from the new boy. if september was a move from my juanboy. i've been told i'm too fat to be loved like... oh. i just dunno. i may possibly be what the new boy wants. i may possibly be dating my juanboy. but i'm so ill-prepared for the dating scene...

i don't know what i'm gonna do. whether i'll reciprocate with the new boy. whether that would be unfaithful to my juanboy. or if i'm just taking it all way too seriously. maybe the boys are just being friendly. maybe i'm just their opening to what hot americans they can catch (maybe not the new boy so much, as he's been to NY once, and florida 5 times... thank god for a traveling type...), or i'm the girl they can hang with and have no worries. a way to rebel against their parents (because america's a den of iniquity and sin and sodom and gomorrah just moved here instead of getting destroyed) by hanging with an american girl.....

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i fail utterly at the game. at recognizing the difference between moves and friendly overtures. because if i really am picking up with the new boy, i'm gonna become THAT GIRL, that rebound girl, that desperate loser who the guy settles for.

jesus fuck, it's too early in the morning to be having a crisis of relationships.
wellownedbkup: (thefragile love)
remind me that my level of friendliness??? comes off as flirting half the time with the guys i know.

i mean, seriously. why is it that i talk nicely to you, a guy who's on the rebound, and suddenly you're all like... cozying up and stuff?!?!? i've only met you once, darling. there's no way you should be that interested in what i've got to say. i did *not* just have a 2 hour conversation with you. oh no. i just... uh..

dammit. i treat all guys that way!

i mean, it's not like you asked me if i was in a relationship. or, you know, looking for someone.

jesus i'm stupid.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
through the darkness and the shadows, the nightmare of today )
wellownedbkup: (Default)

i saw pomme. or, actually, he saw me, and was all like... *sing-songy* "Moooorghaaaaaaaaan!" which was freaky. to say the least.

but he was all like... "i haven't seen you in foreeeeever." *hugs* and i was so confused. and a little scared. and he asked me about getting his *girlfriend* a job. if i wasn't so nice, i'd be evil. but he's living back behind bette johnson hall (bad area to have an apartment, actually. i wouldn't be there.) with her and the band's working on a cd and i'm all like... *checks the time* "i gotta get to work."

so much for conversation, huh?

hahahah. i so didn't expect to see him today. but he hasn't changed.

by the way, it's cold outside. i'm wearing a scarf. granted, it's one i made, but it's a scarf nonetheless. and it made me happy to be warm, for once. then i walked inside and it was toasty as all get out. bah. stupid buildings. they turn on the heat and it's supposed to be 80 some odd degrees next week/this weekend. stupid zonies. stupid university.
wellownedbkup: (attack kimono)
god. i've just looked at what i'm doing. i'm trying to write 3 books, 3 characters, a 25K nanowrimo warm-up, and planning a 50K book. yikes.

the plan: )

gah. this is not cool.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i think now's as good a time as any to get my month in order (that is, the end of this month and all of september).

so. here's where i cut to a different scene. )
wellownedbkup: (mad here)
*shamelessly listens to teddy geiger*

i am a total sucker for the singer/songwriter genre. i'm digging james blunt and john mayer and... bam! i hear 'for you i will' for the first time a few weeks ago. don't even look at me like that! i don't listen to the radio. EVER.

so i get the cd by nefarious sources... and yay! *is in love and bubbly* and i'm totally reminiscing the high school years with 'thinking underage' which is basically where the title comes form for the cd. cause he's all like... *teen angst* and being 16/17 is so haaaaaaaaaaaard. and it's sweet. and he's apologizing to his parents for growing up...

and then i finally make it to the last track of the cd cause even though i listen to it as i'm washing dishes, my shitty boombox has lost the ability to skip forward and i hear the same 4 tracks over and over since we only have a handful of dirty dishes anyway. so. last track. and i hear "love is a marathon..." and i go... uh... wha? and i remember that show 'love monkey' and the preview and i go... oi! is that...? no!

so i go look online. hee. it was! he was the up-and-coming singer!! and the show is NEVER COMING BACK ON CBS. dammit.

now all i have to do is remind myself the kid's just barely 18 (as in, he'll be 18 in september. and i'd forgotten i'm getting older...) and ... yeah. *shamelessly becomes a teenybopper again*
wellownedbkup: (geisha)
well, max had them up, so i'd drop mine as well... surveys for you. )
wellownedbkup: (lesbiantea)
my brother knows too many people for his own good. he just walked in to hand me the keys to the car (i'm working late, and must drive myself home), and suddenly he's saying hi to some girl he knows. he's such a pimp. in such a good way. not at *all* like the pimps that pimp. he's a good pimp. in that un-pimpy, pimp sort of way.

i'm so tired that made no sense and was very sensible at the same time. i'm such a retard. i've been staring at computer screens too long and i need to take a break. that's why i'm typing with my eyes closed. don't believe me? too bad. i am. or was. at least the majority of that paragraph was by memory/touch/whatever.

my phone has zero reception down here. grr...

and the guy next to me just gave an evil cackle. i don't *even* wanna know what that was about.

so. i get paid tomorrow. wOOt! that rocks. and i pay lacey back for the coffee and lunch on monday. when i'll endeavor to eat lunch with her again. if i can. maybe. but even if all else fails, i'll pay her back before she goes to class. or before i go to class. before we get done with the day. yep. i'll pay her then. all that being said, the mocha today was lovely, even if it was cold. and i'll have to get it more often... once i get money flow even. i'll prolly end up with all kinds of worries about money once i get paid. i have the feeling my check'll be like... no money whatsoever. *calculates* 6*20.5 is... 135. minus tax... somewhere around 100 or less?? grr... maybe more (i hope.).... so if i put 50 away, i'll have just enough money to fill the gas tank and then go play laser tag/go to a movie/go out to dinner... or whatever it is that i'm supposed to be doing.

and today i just worked extra hours. hee hee. like... 4 extra hours. or 3. something like that. that'll look nice in two/three/god knows how many weeks from now.

my brain just went fizzle. there's no way that i'll actually be able to focus when i get a real job. and i know they'll ban livejournal. they'll do it and i won't be happy in the least. cause that means that i'm wasting company time and they'll fire me (they would have if i'd stayed on with strand. thank god i quit before the 6 month probationary period. they'd've fired me for sure. though i will say that i did help strengthen their proxy. too many slash sites and ways around the email and yep... all that. ok. closing the parenthesis... now). it might be nice to do, in the long run. if i do get around to being a real french translator (what's the difference in being an interpretor and a translator, i wonder?}, maybe i'll work for myself and be better equipped to do my job that way.

i wish i wasn't so dependent on the net. all i do is sit at work and typetypetypetype on the net. and i only go to like... 4 sites (myspace, facebook, netmail, gmail, yahoomail, livejournal, bebo, blackboard... ok... so more like 8, but you get the picture). i check my mail, i check LJ, i check happenings for my classes and job (that's blackboard)... and that's it. i can do that in like 20 minutes. and i sit at a computer for far far FAR longer than that. no wonder my eye is twitchy. grrr... i'm such a dork. (quit with the self-deprecation. no one buys it.)

as for all else... i have nothing to talk about. i'm to the doctor tomorrow, then picking up my check (picking up?? yeah... after), then seeing what's up for the family. it might be nice to do something together. even if devon's being a bastard on all counts and my parents are trying to figure out if i'm seriously dropping out of school or not. (i'm not. there's no way around the need for a bachelor's degree in something. no place i've looked is hiring someone with my lack of experience. and i'm not not NOT doing manual labor. this girl was made for an easier job.)

though, if i did take off, i'd certainly have more time for NaNoWriMo. not that that makes any difference. i'm stuck on novels. i'm deleting half of them, as soon as i get the payment situation worked out with freeservers.

i have a hole in the side of my middle finger. ow. i need to stop biting my nails and get a grip. why can't my hands look pretty?? my fingers are all fat and short and my nails always chip if they don't get bitten. and i've got burn marks from my rings and *whines*.

hahahahah.... saturday i played boggle and the word i ended up getting that no one else had was KEEL. and all i could think of was 'i keel you!' from many journals here. i forgot it was the bottom of a boat. hahahahahahah.... ha. *wipes eyes*

this message has been brought to you by Starbucks Coffee! get your high of the day and be hyper hyper hyper as long as you can. (starbucks did not endorse this message, nor does it endorse getting high. if you have addiction problems, starbucks urges you to seek help somewhere. it does not endorse any particular institution, but feel free to ask their many caffeine-addicted employees where they get their substance abuse counseling.)

[edit: oh my god. i just filled in my tags for this entry. it read like a really choppy sentence. "bored, work random, tired today." or something. *is far too easily amused*]
wellownedbkup: (Default)
hello loves. just a quick update to tell you what's up with me.

in less than 48 hours, i had 100 hits to my website. that makes me extremely happy. and then i wonder how that happened. and why no one left a note to say 'hey. nice crap ya got there.'

have not heard from english folk lately... sad huh?

final paper gets turned in today, and then i can buckle down on the NaNo. s. NaNos.

will be at transy saturday. yipee. maybe see catherine??? i wanna stay longer, but alas for lack of funds. i also wanna see the play on alum night. but again... i used my last 'go to seneca' card with my mom. maybe if i ask nicely...

i turn 20 on sunday!!! to think... i really don't care. i'll wait til next year and get massively drunk.

that is all, i think. except to say that my andy thinks i'm a blonde mentally. we'll just see about that...

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