wellownedbkup: (see no evil)
i'm awake at yet another random hour to bring you: morgue, on one hour of sleep.

at least i figured out why i need the extra sleep last week and this week, outside of a passing thought of narcolepsy. still need to schedule a test for that, just in case. i'm not sure it's normal to not be able to sleep, then sleep for a full night, and still need a nap between 4 pm and 10 pm. honestly, i'd rather sleep than eat at the moment, and you'd think my parents would consider that a blessing in disguise, but no.

speaking of blessings, though. i got my confirmation pack back about my poland trip. GOT THE TOUR PACK I WANTED. so i'll be in paris for a few days in july, then a drive from berlin into poland and then a few days there before back home. all in all, 11 days. which, you know, not a lot of time. will probably take a coupla unisom or something to put me out on the flight, as i usually wouldn't, but have all my evenings free to wander paris and want the heck out of that, ok? i refuse to waste what precious time i have being jet-lagged.

lacey keeps asking me to lunch. we haven't been "friends" like this since her freshman year of uofl. it's a little... i know i'm being used because she doesn't have anyone to hang with. again. and i'm one of those comfortable types (hey, i know you. we share common history and interests, so we can chat. but we aren't buddies.) that people return to. and maybe that's the definition of a friend, you know? but skepticism and having already been kicked to the curb by her before leaves a bitter taste. not to mention i can't keep skipping class or work to eat $10 lunches with her simply because she's got nothing better to do.

i need to be up in 2 hours to get ready for work.

my poetry class wants us to write about 10 pages of poetry over the next month, including a range of lengths. so we have to write at least one one-liner, one haiku/tanka/haibun, and one poem that spans at least 4 pages. which is daunting. those three are possibly the hardest stylistically, especially for me. the first requires an entire image boiled down to the important bit. the second has a limit on syllables, which also requires a great deal of thought. the last means that, among other things, i have to come up with something that will hold your attention for more than a page.

this is possibly the worst assignment, even outside of his papers. i've decided to take sanpit (my unnamed slave assassin story) and turn it into an epic poem, with movements that will maybe reflect the other styles we should show(? like a monostiche as a movement, a tanka, etc). it's part space opera, part Odyssey, part word vomit. writers spend years hashing out the perfect long poem, and we get a month. the disconnect there is staggering, wouldn't you agree?

i'll say that the high point of this is that i found out the singular form of galoshes *is* galosh. which makes me giggle every time i think about it.
wellownedbkup: (existential)
it's funny, all the things you start remembering as you get older. stuff i know i didn't remember before. like how i used to wear cross colours and bonjour and chic jeans. or how i've always had a thing for blonds or black dudes that were friends with me.

there's things like how me and lenore were the bestest of best friends in elementary school and she was an idiot wearing a tank top on a field trip downtown in late fall, so i lent her my sweater and i was standing around in a silk shirt, but it was still awesome. or how the line between hero worship and love is really non-existent in my head, especially after that one student teacher.

there's how hallways stretched long and frightening without a book to read while walking against a crowd of people. or how my mom's current room was the scariest in my house because it was the only one without a light fixture in it. and how, when we shared the room, my brother always took the top bunk. there's how i've always been on the bottom bunk and how, when i was sick, my brother would turn on the tape player to our favorite tape, tuck me in and give me peace and quiet while everyone else ate dinner. how sometimes i think we were closer friends than me and my sister because at least he looked out for me when we were at brandeis together.

but i guess it's less of that and how just yesterday i realized that i've always skated that line. i wore buttondowns over t-shirts and a guy reached up between the two and was trying to feel me up and i didn't even realize it until he'd touched my boob. and it'd been weeks of him laying on me, doing that. he got to second base before ever touching first and i feel... somewhat jilted.

and there's other things too--how i kinda miss high school now like a tangible thing, where i would change what i did for what i know now. because, yes, i would've taken jones' molesting further and my girls would've had to put up with PDAs because i would've let him do almost anything. shameless, yes, but true. i still have a curiosity about a certain piercing. (it didn't even take me getting drunk to tell him that i wish we'd met in some other time, where i wasn't who i was. it took a long ride to cincinnati, i think, and my feet against the car window and nostalgia. and i told him "i wish we'd met in some other time. i think we would've been fantastic." and how he texted back that he was sorry. and how it was sad but made sense, how i still think it passes through us from time to time and how i want to heal that boy's wounds, but know i'm not for him. how he promised me that he'd leave me what he made when he went to the army, and the drunken phone call at 1 in the morning where he promised me he'd be back. and how i haven't seen him since black friday.) or maybe i would've stopped repressing so hard and maybe have told one or two girls that maybe i wasn't so loving of them platonically. (granted, i'm still working that out right now, trying to decide if this is me being lonely, impressionable, or if it really has been there all along. and then whether i should act on it at all, considering the objects of my affection are all straight.)

or i wish i could go back to middle school and actually understand what max was saying to me, instead of just hearing the words and being glad he was talking to me still. savoring sharing eighth grade graduation with the two boys i'd adored as opposed to the girls i called my friends. but, more importantly, going back and actually working out my life's course properly.

these memories are all the paths i've taken, the ones that lead me to today and make me who i am. they're all the paths i wish i could've changed, the ones i wish i'd stayed on longer. if i could turn time backwards, i would go back and fix it. maybe i would've never become solidly insane but loved without high school. smart and honest without the brilliant minds i met in middle school. blunt and careful without the stability of family and faith in elementary school.

i just wish that now didn't seem so pale and lackluster in comparison.
wellownedbkup: (travel)
preface: this is a religious trip. and will thus be centered on that.

july 16-19, poland for international convention of jehovah's witnesses.
deposit due by february 2, full cost due march 23rd.

surrounding trip choices:
[a]: poland only. 1 week, travel to warsaw. 2500 dollars.
[b]: france and poland. 12 days, bastille day free in paris, trip to monet's house. 3100 dollars.
[c]: denmark, sweden, germany, russia, estonia, poland. 18 day cruise, with stops in copenhagen, stockholm, visby, kiel, st. petersburg, talinn. 6000 dollars.

i can easily get the money for the first trip. i want france like burning, and this'll probably be my only trip; i could maybe swing an independent learning credit out of it. but you can't pass up a 6 country tour... even if i'll have to sell blood, organs, all my worldly possessions and then some to do it.

I'M SO CONFLICTED. on the one hand, money woes. on the other hand, BASTILLE DAY. FRANCE. PARIS ALL FOR ME. on the other, other hand, whirlwind tour of europe via cruise. i've never been on a cruise, but i really, really wanna. *wants* and those are just the three options i settled on. there's 15 options. i could go to the czech republic, or london. italy or germany. see more of poland. see germany-poland-france. austria. CONFLICTED. why oh why can't i have money??? i want them all. ALL.

and i hate to do it, but i'm agreeing with celestine now as she's going to austria in august for the same purpose as why i'm in poland... and she keeps saying that she doesn't know when she'll be in europe again. !!! she's going to turkey for her extend-o-stay. when will i ever get the baltic sea cruise again? on the other hand, when will i see france again (not bloody likely, lemme tell ya)??? i'll always have england, so i'm not worried about that. but... but... DUDE.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so maybe it's not awkward anymore, so much as it's... distant.

so maybe i kept his cell number in my phone and i text him. what better way to talk after the breakup-that-wasn't than use the same form of communication?

so i text him and tell him i miss him and that it's been ages since we talked. and that i worry for him. (if only cause i think he deleted his bebo profile)

and he texts back. says he's fine and working loads, hopes i'm ok and misses me too.

not awkward. just... distant. no longer easy.
wellownedbkup: (noir)
god save me from myself and well-meaning english boys.

ok, so i've picked up with this really decent guy i've talked to for... uh... a time? but only met in person once. (oh jeez, i'm in a fucking internet relationship.) and only briefly at that, in that i rode in the same car as him, but we didn't really, ya know, chat.

at any rate. his cousin's a rat bastard that i happened to like for a while. miami. yeah. him. and he's friends with my juanboy, who keeps fucking avoiding me online. *keyboard smash of disapproval*

so. i've kinda picked up with him. and he's really nice. like my age or thereabouts. he's pretty skilled (a carpenter, which takes actual talent, buddy). and we talk. small talk, but we talk. for long periods of time which kills me. but i worry. because he's on the rebound. he's like fresh out of a long-term relationship and I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL. but, like, he's asking me if i'm seeing anyone. and if i like where i live. and like.. i dunno. dude. this is .... and i say bye like i do to *everyone* (night, darling. because pet names get me out of using real names get me some pseudo affection get me talking to everyone on the same fucking level no matter the sex). and he says "night. take care. xx."

xx. like, kisses. like... seriously? and basing that on my england experience period, that's like... wayyyy left field. like juanboy affectionate (a hug at two weeks. taking care of me for a weekend. "love ya, sis" which means everything and nothing). so is that like his goodbye to girls, period? or is that his... goodbye? or...

i could tear my hair out right now. because i haven't done anything but be myself. and this is still confusing the hell outta me. because... ok. so asking me about my home life and my dating life and telling me your personal life and talking to me for two hours? shouldn't that mean something? or am i reading too much into this again?

so here's my problem )

nothing i know can prepare me for knowing if this is a first move from the new boy. if september was a move from my juanboy. i've been told i'm too fat to be loved like... oh. i just dunno. i may possibly be what the new boy wants. i may possibly be dating my juanboy. but i'm so ill-prepared for the dating scene...

i don't know what i'm gonna do. whether i'll reciprocate with the new boy. whether that would be unfaithful to my juanboy. or if i'm just taking it all way too seriously. maybe the boys are just being friendly. maybe i'm just their opening to what hot americans they can catch (maybe not the new boy so much, as he's been to NY once, and florida 5 times... thank god for a traveling type...), or i'm the girl they can hang with and have no worries. a way to rebel against their parents (because america's a den of iniquity and sin and sodom and gomorrah just moved here instead of getting destroyed) by hanging with an american girl.....

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i fail utterly at the game. at recognizing the difference between moves and friendly overtures. because if i really am picking up with the new boy, i'm gonna become THAT GIRL, that rebound girl, that desperate loser who the guy settles for.

jesus fuck, it's too early in the morning to be having a crisis of relationships.
wellownedbkup: (thefragile love)
remind me that my level of friendliness??? comes off as flirting half the time with the guys i know.

i mean, seriously. why is it that i talk nicely to you, a guy who's on the rebound, and suddenly you're all like... cozying up and stuff?!?!? i've only met you once, darling. there's no way you should be that interested in what i've got to say. i did *not* just have a 2 hour conversation with you. oh no. i just... uh..

dammit. i treat all guys that way!

i mean, it's not like you asked me if i was in a relationship. or, you know, looking for someone.

jesus i'm stupid.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
swiped from angelchildr )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i think now's as good a time as any to get my month in order (that is, the end of this month and all of september).

so. here's where i cut to a different scene. )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
no, god. it's ok. i promise. it's not like i want my friends up and about. really.

i'm sure you have good reason.

yes, i know i'm being sarcastic, but hear me out. she's really gravy. solid, y'know? but she's had it up past *here* with the stress. do you think you could slide her a vacation? she needs some time off because she'll break otherwise. if you could?


couldn't you be some kind of genie though? i know three wishes. 1. andy loves me and will marry me. right after my webbie loses the bet. 2. all my friends are healthy forever. healthy in all aspects too. none of that you get what you asked for crap. and 3. could you make me beautiful? please? yes it's vain but you have no idea what it's like to have...

well. you know. but still.

i just wish it were all easier. where's MY easy button? where's my help when my ankle is weak and my eye is all twitchy and my back is crapping out and...

i only have one last thing to ask. i know you are the busiest man in the universe. but do you think you can hook me up with a NaNo for this year? i wanna know how it feels to win.

just asking.

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