wellownedbkup: (see no evil)
what a time for me to go out sick. i actually have zero motivation to do my homework right now.

what do i have to do??
  1. essai universitaire-- my POV on my french studies, and my journey thus far. due nowish.
  2. essai professionel-- how french fits into my future plans... which would be awesome. if i had future plans that were any kind of set in stone. due nowish.
  3. 10 minute cours grammaire-- if-then clauses in french. to be taught to my classmates en francais on tuesday. :(
  4. essay on some scholarly article vs. cortes or dracula. real men, real history. have no idea of the due date, and am trying *not* to contemplate this paper yet. it's probably due tuesday, just for that.
  5. about two weeks of work in intro to theatre. woops. due this weekend, what with it being online. which apparently includes writing a play?? DAMMIT.
  6. reading 2 chapters in my linguistic/translation book. which will kill my brain on principle, i think, just cause i really can't stand linguistics anymore.
  7. at least 5K on the Torchwood BB;
  8. at least 4K on the SPN BB.
  9. email Mme Randolph about shadowing her over spring break and teaching a class at the end of that week... um. yeah. D: as well as convey my sympathies about the earthquake in Port au Prince in case she has any family there still.
  10. speaking of stuff to buy, buy my ticket for the play next week and prep for the subsequent paper;
  11. pay for my 2 CLEP tests that'll help me graduate.
  12. send in course substitution papers.
  13. set up appt with Pfeffer about graduation tracking.

i know there's other stuff, but i can't think of it now. which blows. because i probably have forgotten about the rest of the important things.

but you see what i'm doing?? i'm procrastinating on LJ instead of working on *any* of it. the only thing close to done is the cours grammaire, and that's cause i spent all day yesterday piddling about with it. i still have to come up with better "exercises" to work on... but for now, i can't be bothered.

fuck homework. :(
wellownedbkup: (cold)
so it seems that winter has just not left yet. *is freezing* i keep shivering and can't stop.

also, i'm hungry and not having money sucks.

but i guess i should say, more importantly, that i'm procrastinating on papers. i should really be writing right now, but i can't bring myself to do so. it's something about how 13 pages sounds really really long in my head, even if that's the bare minimum between three papers. but still. ugh. i hate writing. i was really spoiled, what with my slacking off for X years in school. *headdesk*

but at least i know what i'm plannning to write... )

so. you know. at least i have a clue the direction i'm headed in.
wellownedbkup: (existential)
it's funny, all the things you start remembering as you get older. stuff i know i didn't remember before. like how i used to wear cross colours and bonjour and chic jeans. or how i've always had a thing for blonds or black dudes that were friends with me.

there's things like how me and lenore were the bestest of best friends in elementary school and she was an idiot wearing a tank top on a field trip downtown in late fall, so i lent her my sweater and i was standing around in a silk shirt, but it was still awesome. or how the line between hero worship and love is really non-existent in my head, especially after that one student teacher.

there's how hallways stretched long and frightening without a book to read while walking against a crowd of people. or how my mom's current room was the scariest in my house because it was the only one without a light fixture in it. and how, when we shared the room, my brother always took the top bunk. there's how i've always been on the bottom bunk and how, when i was sick, my brother would turn on the tape player to our favorite tape, tuck me in and give me peace and quiet while everyone else ate dinner. how sometimes i think we were closer friends than me and my sister because at least he looked out for me when we were at brandeis together.

but i guess it's less of that and how just yesterday i realized that i've always skated that line. i wore buttondowns over t-shirts and a guy reached up between the two and was trying to feel me up and i didn't even realize it until he'd touched my boob. and it'd been weeks of him laying on me, doing that. he got to second base before ever touching first and i feel... somewhat jilted.

and there's other things too--how i kinda miss high school now like a tangible thing, where i would change what i did for what i know now. because, yes, i would've taken jones' molesting further and my girls would've had to put up with PDAs because i would've let him do almost anything. shameless, yes, but true. i still have a curiosity about a certain piercing. (it didn't even take me getting drunk to tell him that i wish we'd met in some other time, where i wasn't who i was. it took a long ride to cincinnati, i think, and my feet against the car window and nostalgia. and i told him "i wish we'd met in some other time. i think we would've been fantastic." and how he texted back that he was sorry. and how it was sad but made sense, how i still think it passes through us from time to time and how i want to heal that boy's wounds, but know i'm not for him. how he promised me that he'd leave me what he made when he went to the army, and the drunken phone call at 1 in the morning where he promised me he'd be back. and how i haven't seen him since black friday.) or maybe i would've stopped repressing so hard and maybe have told one or two girls that maybe i wasn't so loving of them platonically. (granted, i'm still working that out right now, trying to decide if this is me being lonely, impressionable, or if it really has been there all along. and then whether i should act on it at all, considering the objects of my affection are all straight.)

or i wish i could go back to middle school and actually understand what max was saying to me, instead of just hearing the words and being glad he was talking to me still. savoring sharing eighth grade graduation with the two boys i'd adored as opposed to the girls i called my friends. but, more importantly, going back and actually working out my life's course properly.

these memories are all the paths i've taken, the ones that lead me to today and make me who i am. they're all the paths i wish i could've changed, the ones i wish i'd stayed on longer. if i could turn time backwards, i would go back and fix it. maybe i would've never become solidly insane but loved without high school. smart and honest without the brilliant minds i met in middle school. blunt and careful without the stability of family and faith in elementary school.

i just wish that now didn't seem so pale and lackluster in comparison.
wellownedbkup: (lost)
happy birthday to me
i've turned 23
but nothing's even changed...
happy birthday to me.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i had a long, drawn out post about how shitty today is/was. i don't feel like posting it anymore.

i accidentally deleted my response for the latest cues thing. because i don't really know if it would've fit (i didn't particularly have 2 separate scenes, so much as 5 glimpses and 1 hard look)... i don't know if i'm going to rewrite it or write something new. besides, it was depressive as heck.

everyone remember WLRS? new rock? yeah, not so much anymore. the walrus has become the home of pseudo new rock, but mostly cock rock. so i get my daily winchester driving dose, but it means i can't sing along to the stuff i know anymore either.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
through the darkness and the shadows, the nightmare of today )
wellownedbkup: (mad here)
*shamelessly listens to teddy geiger*

i am a total sucker for the singer/songwriter genre. i'm digging james blunt and john mayer and... bam! i hear 'for you i will' for the first time a few weeks ago. don't even look at me like that! i don't listen to the radio. EVER.

so i get the cd by nefarious sources... and yay! *is in love and bubbly* and i'm totally reminiscing the high school years with 'thinking underage' which is basically where the title comes form for the cd. cause he's all like... *teen angst* and being 16/17 is so haaaaaaaaaaaard. and it's sweet. and he's apologizing to his parents for growing up...

and then i finally make it to the last track of the cd cause even though i listen to it as i'm washing dishes, my shitty boombox has lost the ability to skip forward and i hear the same 4 tracks over and over since we only have a handful of dirty dishes anyway. so. last track. and i hear "love is a marathon..." and i go... uh... wha? and i remember that show 'love monkey' and the preview and i go... oi! is that...? no!

so i go look online. hee. it was! he was the up-and-coming singer!! and the show is NEVER COMING BACK ON CBS. dammit.

now all i have to do is remind myself the kid's just barely 18 (as in, he'll be 18 in september. and i'd forgotten i'm getting older...) and ... yeah. *shamelessly becomes a teenybopper again*
wellownedbkup: (lesbiantea)
my brother knows too many people for his own good. he just walked in to hand me the keys to the car (i'm working late, and must drive myself home), and suddenly he's saying hi to some girl he knows. he's such a pimp. in such a good way. not at *all* like the pimps that pimp. he's a good pimp. in that un-pimpy, pimp sort of way.

i'm so tired that made no sense and was very sensible at the same time. i'm such a retard. i've been staring at computer screens too long and i need to take a break. that's why i'm typing with my eyes closed. don't believe me? too bad. i am. or was. at least the majority of that paragraph was by memory/touch/whatever.

my phone has zero reception down here. grr...

and the guy next to me just gave an evil cackle. i don't *even* wanna know what that was about.

so. i get paid tomorrow. wOOt! that rocks. and i pay lacey back for the coffee and lunch on monday. when i'll endeavor to eat lunch with her again. if i can. maybe. but even if all else fails, i'll pay her back before she goes to class. or before i go to class. before we get done with the day. yep. i'll pay her then. all that being said, the mocha today was lovely, even if it was cold. and i'll have to get it more often... once i get money flow even. i'll prolly end up with all kinds of worries about money once i get paid. i have the feeling my check'll be like... no money whatsoever. *calculates* 6*20.5 is... 135. minus tax... somewhere around 100 or less?? grr... maybe more (i hope.).... so if i put 50 away, i'll have just enough money to fill the gas tank and then go play laser tag/go to a movie/go out to dinner... or whatever it is that i'm supposed to be doing.

and today i just worked extra hours. hee hee. like... 4 extra hours. or 3. something like that. that'll look nice in two/three/god knows how many weeks from now.

my brain just went fizzle. there's no way that i'll actually be able to focus when i get a real job. and i know they'll ban livejournal. they'll do it and i won't be happy in the least. cause that means that i'm wasting company time and they'll fire me (they would have if i'd stayed on with strand. thank god i quit before the 6 month probationary period. they'd've fired me for sure. though i will say that i did help strengthen their proxy. too many slash sites and ways around the email and yep... all that. ok. closing the parenthesis... now). it might be nice to do, in the long run. if i do get around to being a real french translator (what's the difference in being an interpretor and a translator, i wonder?}, maybe i'll work for myself and be better equipped to do my job that way.

i wish i wasn't so dependent on the net. all i do is sit at work and typetypetypetype on the net. and i only go to like... 4 sites (myspace, facebook, netmail, gmail, yahoomail, livejournal, bebo, blackboard... ok... so more like 8, but you get the picture). i check my mail, i check LJ, i check happenings for my classes and job (that's blackboard)... and that's it. i can do that in like 20 minutes. and i sit at a computer for far far FAR longer than that. no wonder my eye is twitchy. grrr... i'm such a dork. (quit with the self-deprecation. no one buys it.)

as for all else... i have nothing to talk about. i'm to the doctor tomorrow, then picking up my check (picking up?? yeah... after), then seeing what's up for the family. it might be nice to do something together. even if devon's being a bastard on all counts and my parents are trying to figure out if i'm seriously dropping out of school or not. (i'm not. there's no way around the need for a bachelor's degree in something. no place i've looked is hiring someone with my lack of experience. and i'm not not NOT doing manual labor. this girl was made for an easier job.)

though, if i did take off, i'd certainly have more time for NaNoWriMo. not that that makes any difference. i'm stuck on novels. i'm deleting half of them, as soon as i get the payment situation worked out with freeservers.

i have a hole in the side of my middle finger. ow. i need to stop biting my nails and get a grip. why can't my hands look pretty?? my fingers are all fat and short and my nails always chip if they don't get bitten. and i've got burn marks from my rings and *whines*.

hahahahah.... saturday i played boggle and the word i ended up getting that no one else had was KEEL. and all i could think of was 'i keel you!' from many journals here. i forgot it was the bottom of a boat. hahahahahahah.... ha. *wipes eyes*

this message has been brought to you by Starbucks Coffee! get your high of the day and be hyper hyper hyper as long as you can. (starbucks did not endorse this message, nor does it endorse getting high. if you have addiction problems, starbucks urges you to seek help somewhere. it does not endorse any particular institution, but feel free to ask their many caffeine-addicted employees where they get their substance abuse counseling.)

[edit: oh my god. i just filled in my tags for this entry. it read like a really choppy sentence. "bored, work random, tired today." or something. *is far too easily amused*]
wellownedbkup: (nix cold)
and everyone is now just looking at me going... what the hell happened to you??

i'm exhausted.

my eyebrow itches. and i'm at work. and i hate being at work when i'm dead sure that there's only been one person to walk in that wasn't me, or the guy who's working with me.

arg. i'm too tired for this.

i brought a disk of stuff, so you may see a bunch of stuff going up...

my website is suspended. hahah.... a case of i didn't pay a bill because i no longer have a credit card. i should probably call on my lunch break. tell them that i'm sorry, but i didn't know they were going to keep charging. which is true, dumb as it sounds. and i could probably also tell them that i've been jobless and cashless since that first time i paid them, so now that i have a job again, why don't they wait a bit and i'll pay in april. or something. because i'll have funds by then.

i don't even know how much it was. like three bucks or something. maybe 23. fifty cents a week? i didn't start getting traffic til last august. man.

i had chocolate ten minutes ago. i can still taste it and it's making me wish i could eat in here. or that i had some people on campus that want to bring a ball and we can play some game that involves sitting on desks. or something. the guy i'm working with is boring.

which isn't fair to say at all because i know that i only just met him (like, for real met him as opposed to sitting a desk away yesterday) today.

i feel guilty now.

no one's online. pooh. sucks to be awake at this hour of the morning. i could really use coffee and a nap, or maybe just the nap. the storms that blew through last night had me sleeping soundly. i even woke up, rested for five minutes and startled myself awake with an alarm i knew was going off after shutting my eyes for two minutes. gah. mornings are not my strong suit. or my next to strong suit. in fact, they're my weakest suit and i don't know how many times i just fixed the words "fackt" "their" "there" "weekest" "weexest" "fixer" and everything in between.

i am tired. and this post has been pointless. i'm in the lab in the basement of business school until 2 today. at which point i will be tired and hungry and ready to go home. then, after i do, i get my grandmother to come back out here to update her alumni card. and go to the gym (or not). and at 5:30, i come right back again to play volleyball, given that my brother wants to do something really really really badly.

blah. i'm tired still. somebody needs to wake up and get online with me.

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