i'm awake at yet another random hour to bring you: morgue, on one hour of sleep.


at least i figured out why i need the extra sleep last week and this week, outside of a passing thought of narcolepsy. still need to schedule a test for that, just in case. i'm not sure it's normal to not be able to sleep, then sleep for a full night, and still need a nap between 4 pm and 10 pm. honestly, i'd rather sleep than eat at the moment, and you'd think my parents would consider that a blessing in disguise, but no.

speaking of blessings, though. i got my confirmation pack back about my poland trip. GOT THE TOUR PACK I WANTED. so i'll be in paris for a few days in july, then a drive from berlin into poland and then a few days there before back home. all in all, 11 days. which, you know, not a lot of time. will probably take a coupla unisom or something to put me out on the flight, as i usually wouldn't, but have all my evenings free to wander paris and want the heck out of that, ok? i refuse to waste what precious time i have being jet-lagged.

lacey keeps asking me to lunch. we haven't been "friends" like this since her freshman year of uofl. it's a little... i know i'm being used because she doesn't have anyone to hang with. again. and i'm one of those comfortable types (hey, i know you. we share common history and interests, so we can chat. but we aren't buddies.) that people return to. and maybe that's the definition of a friend, you know? but skepticism and having already been kicked to the curb by her before leaves a bitter taste. not to mention i can't keep skipping class or work to eat $10 lunches with her simply because she's got nothing better to do.

i need to be up in 2 hours to get ready for work.

my poetry class wants us to write about 10 pages of poetry over the next month, including a range of lengths. so we have to write at least one one-liner, one haiku/tanka/haibun, and one poem that spans at least 4 pages. which is daunting. those three are possibly the hardest stylistically, especially for me. the first requires an entire image boiled down to the important bit. the second has a limit on syllables, which also requires a great deal of thought. the last means that, among other things, i have to come up with something that will hold your attention for more than a page.

this is possibly the worst assignment, even outside of his papers. i've decided to take sanpit (my unnamed slave assassin story) and turn it into an epic poem, with movements that will maybe reflect the other styles we should show(? like a monostiche as a movement, a tanka, etc). it's part space opera, part Odyssey, part word vomit. writers spend years hashing out the perfect long poem, and we get a month. the disconnect there is staggering, wouldn't you agree?

i'll say that the high point of this is that i found out the singular form of galoshes *is* galosh. which makes me giggle every time i think about it.

school is killing me. i will stop talking about it shortly.

this is just a note to say i'm an idiot. ;) 4 300-levels next semester (more poetry, more french, black psychology, and linguistics), which can only mean i'm gonna have a rough semester. over-ambitious, i'm sure.


i researched two separate things yesterday: living in san francisco, and how to get certified as an interpreter. what i learned was i'll have to make a helluva lot more money to live out there. and that i have to finish college, then have two years of work as an interpreter before i can join some certification associations.

on a brighter note, though, me and my cousin are gonna open a joint checking account so that we can save up for our move in 2010, or our next vacation. we found an international bank that has low fees (as we won't be direct depositing checks so much as automatic transfers of X amount to the account) and banks in 75 countries.

that being said, i'm not terribly fond of her as a traveling partner, but i will say that she's pretty reliable. i need someone with me that makes me feel a little better about myself (which she does, cause even though i'm anti-social, she's worse) and that's enough like me to stop me from getting homesick.


i need to move, though. i keep running through my mind and there's nothing like coming to the realization that everyone else's house is more like home than home. i always feel more relaxed when i'm somewhere other than my house. must mean i need to get away. maybe if i get called up for air traffic control or something... craigslist has jobs up in frisco. maybe i just need to get there and get a job.

god save me from myself and well-meaning english boys.


ok, so i've picked up with this really decent guy i've talked to for... uh... a time? but only met in person once. (oh jeez, i'm in a fucking internet relationship.) and only briefly at that, in that i rode in the same car as him, but we didn't really, ya know, chat.

at any rate. his cousin's a rat bastard that i happened to like for a while. miami. yeah. him. and he's friends with my juanboy, who keeps fucking avoiding me online. *keyboard smash of disapproval*

so. i've kinda picked up with him. and he's really nice. like my age or thereabouts. he's pretty skilled (a carpenter, which takes actual talent, buddy). and we talk. small talk, but we talk. for long periods of time which kills me. but i worry. because he's on the rebound. he's like fresh out of a long-term relationship and I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL. but, like, he's asking me if i'm seeing anyone. and if i like where i live. and like.. i dunno. dude. this is .... and i say bye like i do to *everyone* (night, darling. because pet names get me out of using real names get me some pseudo affection get me talking to everyone on the same fucking level no matter the sex). and he says "night. take care. xx."

xx. like, kisses. like... seriously? and basing that on my england experience period, that's like... wayyyy left field. like juanboy affectionate (a hug at two weeks. taking care of me for a weekend. "love ya, sis" which means everything and nothing). so is that like his goodbye to girls, period? or is that his... goodbye? or...


i could tear my hair out right now. because i haven't done anything but be myself. and this is still confusing the hell outta me. because... ok. so asking me about my home life and my dating life and telling me your personal life and talking to me for two hours? shouldn't that mean something? or am i reading too much into this again?

( so here's my problem )

nothing i know can prepare me for knowing if this is a first move from the new boy. if september was a move from my juanboy. i've been told i'm too fat to be loved like... oh. i just dunno. i may possibly be what the new boy wants. i may possibly be dating my juanboy. but i'm so ill-prepared for the dating scene...


i don't know what i'm gonna do. whether i'll reciprocate with the new boy. whether that would be unfaithful to my juanboy. or if i'm just taking it all way too seriously. maybe the boys are just being friendly. maybe i'm just their opening to what hot americans they can catch (maybe not the new boy so much, as he's been to NY once, and florida 5 times... thank god for a traveling type...), or i'm the girl they can hang with and have no worries. a way to rebel against their parents (because america's a den of iniquity and sin and sodom and gomorrah just moved here instead of getting destroyed) by hanging with an american girl.....

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i fail utterly at the game. at recognizing the difference between moves and friendly overtures. because if i really am picking up with the new boy, i'm gonna become THAT GIRL, that rebound girl, that desperate loser who the guy settles for.


jesus fuck, it's too early in the morning to be having a crisis of relationships.

i think now's as good a time as any to get my month in order (that is, the end of this month and all of september).

so. here's where i ( cut to a different scene. )

well...

today has been eventful. and i've only been up 45 minutes.

i texted dani. she's on 2 hour delay at school. she should so take over and give us a city wide snowball fight.

and then i get a text from my international man of renown (ladies' man, man's man, man about the town) fred. apparently he's already gotten in touch with his french contacts and is looking into finding a friendly JW family i can hang around ifandwhen i should get to go to montpellier next year. that. rawks. and he tells me about some restaurant i should go to and i'm all like... *squee* you're my hero. talk about your fast acting. alas, he calls me up and wants to chitchat in french and i'm all like... *sleep* wha? he goes... "are you asleep?" me-"uhhh... sorta." him-"oh. well, have a good day. i'm going to school."

now, the only reason i'll despise him at the moment is he's also on 2 hour delay, but he gets out at 10:30. so that means... he has a massive 45 minutes in school.

wow.

and now, i'm off to get dressed. it's snowed here and i'm all whee about it. i get to wear my boots! and throw snowballs! and freeze in the 17 degree windchill!

saturday will be down at transy to see emilyanne and catherine. alas, will be driving back that night, so no chance of being out with catherine... or ariel, sadly.

guess i'll have to settle for possibly seeing them both at emilyanne's performance.