wellownedbkup: (lost)
happy birthday to me
i've turned 23
but nothing's even changed...
happy birthday to me.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so maybe it's not awkward anymore, so much as it's... distant.

so maybe i kept his cell number in my phone and i text him. what better way to talk after the breakup-that-wasn't than use the same form of communication?

so i text him and tell him i miss him and that it's been ages since we talked. and that i worry for him. (if only cause i think he deleted his bebo profile)

and he texts back. says he's fine and working loads, hopes i'm ok and misses me too.

not awkward. just... distant. no longer easy.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i had a long, drawn out post about how shitty today is/was. i don't feel like posting it anymore.

i accidentally deleted my response for the latest cues thing. because i don't really know if it would've fit (i didn't particularly have 2 separate scenes, so much as 5 glimpses and 1 hard look)... i don't know if i'm going to rewrite it or write something new. besides, it was depressive as heck.

everyone remember WLRS? new rock? yeah, not so much anymore. the walrus has become the home of pseudo new rock, but mostly cock rock. so i get my daily winchester driving dose, but it means i can't sing along to the stuff i know anymore either.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
through the darkness and the shadows, the nightmare of today )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
after debating it... and ignoring it. and chickening out the one time that i thought i would actually seek help.... i've made up my mind.

i'm going to make an appointment for a mental health screening of a fashion sometime during the next month. yes, i know that's putting off action, but i'm actuallly gonna do something about it sometime soon. i feel like shit all the time and everyone's pissing me off. and although i think that i may be able to talk about it eventually.... *sigh* i think i need to talk to someone outside of home and friends. it might work.

i think the problem is that i don't cry. or scream. i repress. but... i'm just... tired.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so nevermind. seca is dead. maybe nix and shay do run off to the meditterranean and nix goes straight and marries shay and they live on in infamy.

besides... no one cares anymore.
wellownedbkup: (mad here)
i'm a little out of it all right now. i apologize if it's not what you'd wanted to hear.

i don't get much sleep at the moment, and my eye's twitchy. bah.

i feel like everything can go bite me. i don't feel like doing anything. i really don't feel like talking to anyone, or even posting right now. yep. i'd rather be asleep. i have to clean my room in the next two days or suffer my mom sitting with me as i do it. dammit. i even have to wash clothes sometime today. or tomorrow. but, do i feel like doing anything? no. have i been putting it off all week?? yes.

it makes you wonder sometimes about what i've done to do this to myself? maybe i'm subconciously depressed. or it's SAD. seasonal affective disorder, i mean. i don't know. i keep watching commercials for depressionhurts.com or something. depression giving you physical symptoms. maybe that's a reason for my back to be in such pain right now. or my insomnia. though i don't know why i'd be depressed. (scratch that. i do have like... several reasons.)

i sent a letter off to miami a week ago. did i ever say that? it was three pages of babble. typed. i told him about playing football and lazer tag and bowling on thanksgiving weekend. i'm not sure he'll care. but i want a letter back. i don't think i could've handwritten it either.

is it possible to be in love with someone you've only known for a few months? or is this just an infatuation?

and why have i turned into someone who says that you can't have him though i don't want him?

this psycho babble brought to you by two weeks off school with another two to go.

i'm tired. i think i'll go back to bed.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
so last night, my house was the armageddon house. church got cancelled (not like i could've gone anywhere anyway and i almost just typed anywhere as 'anywhore') and the storm was blowing and suddenly my cousin chuck and his son keshawn and my cousin carlotta came to stay the night (cause they were scared of the storm. i mean, man... she's 23 and he's gotta be 30, and yes his son's almost 4, but man...) and then my cousin stacy and her girls (which was the strangest thing ever!) came over because they don't have a phone and didn't know church was cancelled.

and you know what i did? i cooked and burned the shit outta my wrist (ha... i pulled a lacey) because of popping cooking oil. and then we didn't have enough food for everyone. and i lent my phone to my dad (he doesn't have his now. he lost it) so i couldn't call anyone i knew. and i bowled on my computer and got a 157 once everyone left. my night was shit.

so... now, i woke up maybe two hours ago and i'm so freakin tired i don't know what to do and all i'm doing is reading slash because yeah... that's what happens when you stay at home and wake up late. grr.

and yes. the computer screen is going all wonky in front of me. fading in and out. that is so not good. not in the least.

lacey, i'm glad you and kate had a nice night last night. hope your foot gets better.

catherine, i'm sorry your roomate(s) is/are being such a jerk to you. i wish i could make it all better for you.

as for all else... miss you all loads. today has to be the shittiest day for me. hope it's not that way for you.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
hey. did i send you guys my nix story in like... august or september?

it should have been updated past chapter four.

the thing is my computer just got wiped. yes... i just lost EVERYTHING from before today. that blows. so i was wondering if you had it so i could get it back going again. besides, i threw away the longhand (stupid me.) after i typed it.

lemme know. this is bad news for me.
wellownedbkup: (fake)
it took just two months to get back to the stress level of five years with no vacation. there must be something wrong with this house.

i dropped my two french classes. needless to say, no one will like it. but i haven't been to the classes and i swear on my life... i'm tired. i'd like to go part time for real, but apparently that's not covered in the tuition remission (better known as morghan goes to college free--but only if she's full time) clause of my mom's contract.

i've applied for a few jobs on campus. and i'm going to focus on the spiritual (hah... yeah...) aspects of my life... the pieces of me i've been neglecting.

i'm just disappointed. it took three months for me to finally calm down enough and get enough sleep to think clearly. to get my attention span up to holding a conversation. i came home... and i lost what little improvement i'd made. i came home to arguments and frustration and lies and secrets... i came home and remembered why i wanted to leave in the first place. i just wish i'd found a reason to stay.

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