oh i felt odd today...

I find it funny that he’s in love with her… when he spends so much time with *him*. True, they would never admit to being gay. They’re both too popular. And a gay wrestler? No one would wrestle with him anymore. Except maybe… him. *grins facetiously* But, seriously. I find it funny.
I saw the three of them walking together, after an assembly at school one day. He was walking with his girlfriend, perfect couple. But he paid no attention to her. He was talking to him. And only him. So deep in conversation, you’d think he’d trip on the sidewalk. Either of them.
I don’t mean to ramble. But I always thought they were cute together. My sister even thinks so… and she has a vendetta against anybody who is gay. It’s gotten around the whole school. Sophomores have been introduced to the insanity of my sophomore year. Juniors. Seniors voted them cutest couple. I voted them cutest couple. I wonder why they didn’t win.
At least I made a point… to go off on a tangent. They can’t limit “superlatives” to one person, or to one sexual preference. So… I’m all for making them prom king and queen. It’s been done. A girl got voted prom king. Wore a tux to prom and everything. So… why not here? Why not now?
But… they are so cute together. And he’s still into his girl. I think they just haven’t come to terms with their overwhelming gayness.



There’s an ache between my shoulders. Right there, base of my neck, and stretching over the entire top surface. I try to work out the kinks… but it isn’t tension. It’s something more.
I toy with the idea of suicide. Of cutting open my arms and letting myself drain away. I have nothing to lose… so why not? Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here? Everything’s going to be fine, someday… too late. Just as well.
I took up Dad’s pocketknife two nights ago. Grinned when I began to press it to that pale and soft flesh on the inside of the forearm, somewhere between the bend of my elbow and my wrist. Tracing around the mole that’s less than halfway down… tracing imaginary ridges of former scars. Singing some old song that has nothing to do with pain… and everything to do with protection.
I grinned even wider as the pressure increased. The tip snagged some of that all too perfect skin. What happened to the scars I used to have? The darkness has been absorbed. Can’t find them anymore.
Dammit.

(no subject)

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "who would kiss a person like that? A person with no-"

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: air. Maybe my binder if I go a little crooked.
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: some soap opera. Not really watching.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: four fifteen
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 4:29

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: the calling and alex band’s sexy voice. The tv. My mama trying to get my attention. Shhh… I’m ignoring her.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: coming off the bus to go home.

9: What are you wearing?: uniform!

10: Did you dream last night?: Prolly. Don’t remember.

11: When did you last laugh?: Fourth period. Aern was singing in my ear and nuzzling me with his hair.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?: mirrors and some of those cheesy, 20 dollar pictures you get at Garden Ridge.

13: Seen anything weird lately?: I try not to think about it.

14: What do you think of this quiz?: s’ok.

15: What is the last film you saw?: Underworld? Or Matrix Revolutions. That’s all I’ve been able to do… rent.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: a house where you and I could live.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I sleep with two giant stuffed toys. One’s a lion and one’s a bear. If I don’t have at least one… I can’t sleep.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: no more politics. Or world peace… but we fool humans couldn’t keep it if we tried.

19: Do you like to dance?: If you ask me, I might.

20: George Bush: what about him?

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: Ambrose Gabrielle

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: Colin Preston

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?: In a heartbeat

23. will you pass on this survey?: hey. Whatever floats your boat.