(no subject)

	Thee	Summer Day	Score
Name	wellowned (113)	Tuesday 26th September (138)	0 : 1
Loveliness	Lovely	Lovelier	0 : 2
Temperature	98.6° F	60° F	1 : 2
Lease	-4.66 years	0.59 years	1 : 3
Complexion			2 : 3
Eyes Can See	2	N/A	4 : 3
wellowned is more lovely, and probably more temperate, than a summers day
Compare Me To A Summers Day

on random notes of parchment, i'm scrawling my existence

i'm beginning to think that, were i actually sane, this would be a good day.

but all i can think is how horrible yesterday was and how horrible tomorrow will be. is it possible to be one long low... with spiky high points that really only level as mediocre? is that depression or just life?

i keep telling myself that it'll pan out. really. all it takes is me moving out of the house after getting a job and thereby figuring out what the hell is wrong with me is my family. and they tell me that running away solves nothing but I BEG TO DIFFER. I WENT AWAY. I WAS SANE FOR ONCE AND I HAD ENERGY AND FRIENDS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE STUCK IN MY HELLHOLE OF A LIFE FOR ALMOST THREE MONTHS AND I WAS HAPPY. but, here? now? all i want to do is sit at this computer clicking away for the rest of my life and i swear to god i hate that.

i wonder if my parents even realize that me helping is just a cover for me not having any motivation besides. i'm smiling in everyone's face and it's that final inch of me where one more bit of secrets and lies like my family is and has always been is enough to push me over the edge. i'm still trying to figure if suicide is really the worst option ahead of me. (i don't mean that. i contemplate but never follow through. consider me a failure even in that.)

i'm still trying to figure out what's normal. if there is a normal.


the girl i work with. she was so concerned when i told her my sugars were double the acceptable norm. and they were triple the day before. she flipped. absoltely freaked. i had to tell her i've been functioning on crappy so long that it's become my normal. i don't know down anymore cause i'm always down.


my mother wants to know why i don't want to do french anymore. maybe it's because i'm tired of being her vicarious living experience.

my grandmother wants to know why i don't lose weight. maybe it's because i can't be arsed to bother; i'm so low i don't wanna see the up anymore. maybe there is no up.

my father wants to know why i want to take off a while. maybe it's because i can't cope with stress anymore and it's all a vicious cycle that swallows itself over and over. maybe it's because, after this semester, UofL won't let me back for a year.


maybe my whole life is shit this go round. even positives like getting an interpreting job with a friend seem like loss to me.