I'm beginning to wonder at whether this was the smartest idea I've had. I'm wondering if maybe I've fucked up the whole situation just by doing this... pleading for them to come visit me.
Fucking visitation rights. I came there, they should, by all rights, come here. Maybe it's cause I'm a mess that this is the way it is.
My grandmother, Lord love her, is only contributing to it. Because everyone knows that I want a nice little English boy to marry, or I'm not marrying at all. Or something of that nature. Because my daddy's English. Because I can fucking adjust and live in teeny old England. Because I happen to like small city living (not small town, or village, since that's just... yeesh; but small cities I can do) and England is just that. Small Cities. My grandmother is only contributing to the mess by saying that the boys HAVE to come visit me.
She's telling me that, of all things to happen, I should lose weight and then they'll see the real me (because, you know, my real self is hidden under acres of fat) and they'll fall in love and marry me and... BLAH BLAH BLAH.
God, I don't want them to come visit me. Because, of all things to happen? They'll fall in love with someone who isn't (fat, negative, smart, their friend) me or the girl they're dating at the moment. Knowing me? The girl will be tiny and ditzy and useless because as much as I love them, they need someone stronger in their lives than the girls that live her. Someone stronger than me... which is saying something because I guess I'm a little stronger than the girls here. At least my heart hasn't been broken all that much by a guy who wasn't dating me anyway (liar liar).
Miami says he's coming for a visit. Sometime in the late summer. That is so much love, I swear. And yet, there's something wrong with that. Because... Isn't he with his precious jewel? What's there for him here but maybe one (psycho, stalkery, manic) friend? And when he comes here, he'll meet everyone that I don't like because of their fakery. And they'll ask for his number and his email and his MSN and they'll go visit him far more than I ever will because I don't have a real job and they do. And he'll fall in love because there's no way that he can't. It's fate and destiny and....
Juan Pablo says he's coming for a visit too. Says that he needs to get away from his mother. That she's stressing him out with all of her problems. Fuck being an only child when your daddy's not around, I guess. He is her outlet. He says he's going to save to come visit me because I told him he needs to get away, and America has to be far enough away, right? Except, I don't want him to come either. Because, just like Miami, he's going to find some fake girl who wants to fall in love with an accent and won't do anything to keep him on an even keel or to get his mom off his back. He deserves more and better than that. He deserves someone who'll help him take care of his mother, but still keep him (and her, cause she's...) from going off the deep end. He needs someone strong.
My god. I want them to be happy (even if it's without me, thanks much) and if they come here? Fate. Destiny. Karma (though it's probably my bad karma affecting them). The natural course of matters. They are young, impressionable, upstanding English men. Because they are? And because they made friends with me? They're doomed. Forever. I want them to be happy and find a girl that deserves them, and that they deserve her.
And, I know I may not be that girl. I don't deserve to be that girl in their lives because of all of the shit that I've done. But until then, do you think you could just... keep them in their little country?? There aren't any girls close by that could hurt them. I should know. I'm all the way in America, aren't I?
Don't let them come visit me because I don't want to see them broken. I rescind all my visitation rights.
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