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May. 8th, 2007 05:21 amit's five am, i've watched too many movies, and i'm as far from sleep as i ever was. my parents will be thrilled when they see that i've stayed up half the night again. (only this time without being on instant messenger to chat with the boys or anyone else. i forgot that my juan and only would be up and about for probably 3 or 4 hours by now. god. who knew?
it's five am, and my skin is crawling with a nervous itch, tickling and biting like something's trying to eat me. there's nothing there--just the chirp of the morning birds, the fan blowing the hairs and non hairs on me around and i guess the nerves are just a bit much when there's so little (read: no) sleep involved. it's just too late to get real sleep, but too early to be up and about.
it's 3 hours til i can really wake up, 4 hours past a decent hour of sleep. it's five in the morning, and all i can think to do is write out how much i wish wish wish it were earlier, or later. that i could be asleep right now, dreaming of alexander and hephaestion, how they loved each other so, and how it was destined that they were not meant to live forever... sons of zeus or no. (i'm also thinking about how i'll never look at a snake in the same way again after fanfiction... but that's another story for later in the day.)
i'm thinking things were a lot easier before i had friends... but it will be nice to get my old job back, so i can drop some of these horrid hours at the lab (not working nights would be love... if i hadn't said so already). not that mr. raymond was the easier of jobs, but god was he nicer. and better paying. perhaps i can get a raise this time? be a real salaried person at 10 an hour instead of 6? work for him on mwf in the fall, 20 hours split over 3 days? it could be done and i would entirely wish it. things were a lot easier before i had friends and a job, but who wouldn't wish this for themselves, hmm?
they've brought up that same old situation again. like with ron, only moreso. my grandmother saw v's mom and dad. and heard them say that v should've chosen me... at least that way there'd have been the possibility of a grandchild. but that the only reason v wouldn't marry me was because he looked at me as his sister. that i was too young. which we all find a little sad, since his wife is just a handful of months older than me. and i've known him longer.
they brought it up again, and i laughingly blamed it on my brother. who introduced me to his friends at the same time my 12 year old cousin was introduced. forgive me, but i think that tends to put us in the same age group. and the guys who would've given me the time of day didn't realize i could care less about age, and i was close enough to their age... those guys?? they all got involved with someone else.
they've brought up that same old situation, and i swear it still hurts the same to hear that i had a chance! i could have been... i don't know, maybe happy for a while. i had an opportunity to be someone else's. it still hurts the same to see that once again, i'm alone.
i'm too tired to deal with the emotional rush this morning. i think i'll just call it a night and go to sleep. surely there's some rest for the wicked?
it's five am, and my skin is crawling with a nervous itch, tickling and biting like something's trying to eat me. there's nothing there--just the chirp of the morning birds, the fan blowing the hairs and non hairs on me around and i guess the nerves are just a bit much when there's so little (read: no) sleep involved. it's just too late to get real sleep, but too early to be up and about.
it's 3 hours til i can really wake up, 4 hours past a decent hour of sleep. it's five in the morning, and all i can think to do is write out how much i wish wish wish it were earlier, or later. that i could be asleep right now, dreaming of alexander and hephaestion, how they loved each other so, and how it was destined that they were not meant to live forever... sons of zeus or no. (i'm also thinking about how i'll never look at a snake in the same way again after fanfiction... but that's another story for later in the day.)
i'm thinking things were a lot easier before i had friends... but it will be nice to get my old job back, so i can drop some of these horrid hours at the lab (not working nights would be love... if i hadn't said so already). not that mr. raymond was the easier of jobs, but god was he nicer. and better paying. perhaps i can get a raise this time? be a real salaried person at 10 an hour instead of 6? work for him on mwf in the fall, 20 hours split over 3 days? it could be done and i would entirely wish it. things were a lot easier before i had friends and a job, but who wouldn't wish this for themselves, hmm?
they've brought up that same old situation again. like with ron, only moreso. my grandmother saw v's mom and dad. and heard them say that v should've chosen me... at least that way there'd have been the possibility of a grandchild. but that the only reason v wouldn't marry me was because he looked at me as his sister. that i was too young. which we all find a little sad, since his wife is just a handful of months older than me. and i've known him longer.
they brought it up again, and i laughingly blamed it on my brother. who introduced me to his friends at the same time my 12 year old cousin was introduced. forgive me, but i think that tends to put us in the same age group. and the guys who would've given me the time of day didn't realize i could care less about age, and i was close enough to their age... those guys?? they all got involved with someone else.
they've brought up that same old situation, and i swear it still hurts the same to hear that i had a chance! i could have been... i don't know, maybe happy for a while. i had an opportunity to be someone else's. it still hurts the same to see that once again, i'm alone.
i'm too tired to deal with the emotional rush this morning. i think i'll just call it a night and go to sleep. surely there's some rest for the wicked?
