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drowning!Ophelia, rocks and hard places
Jun. 18th, 2009 12:40 amso i'm stuck.
on the one hand, mom. a woman who's been sick for the majority of my life with nerve damage or inexplicable pains or explicable pains (rheumatoid arthritis, for one). i haven't seen my mother healthy in a long, long time. i'd love to see it, in my lifetime.
but the likelihood? so scant, i can't even pretend it's not pie-in-the-sky.
so she needs care. constant, hand-and-foot waiting on her at every moment of the day. her eyes aren't what they used to be, so she needs help reading occasionally. her joints don't move how they used to, and it's no surprise that she needs help with motion for that reason alone. consider tonight, where a section of her thigh is hurting for no reason. she can't sleep, so it's not like there's much room for anyone else to rest.
we all have to be to work by 8 in the morning. when it's 1 am, who can really summon the energy to stay awake and comfort her until she rests? and when it's constant need for care, when is there ever time to get away except once she's died?
a rock.
on the other hand, life. even if i ignore the rock and choose to leave mom to be cared for by someone else, there's life. there's school and work now. there's no job prospects on the horizon. there's that fence about grad school and becoming a teacher that says "ugh mornings. ugh students. ugh more school." and then replies "steady paycheck. grants for just trying. steady way off this rock."
i haven't had the best training for the work field. the shortcuts are where i spend my time; this current job has prepared me for nothing at all except watercooler gossip. i'm scared because there's an economy in the toilet and nowhere to put down roots (and this isn't the time to put down roots, but i gotta be stable somewhere).
a hard place.
i feel like there must be some option i'm missing out on. some way where i don't consign myself to being unhappy and unfulfilled at every turn. i can hardly stand to care for my mother now, which pains me more than you could ever know. she's my mother! i consider it my duty to make sure she's comfortable and well taken care of. and yet, i can't stand it. i'm tired. but to just leave would only mean that i'm going for a job that will never work for me. sure, it's a needed field and sure, i could get paid well for it. but it was never something i really wanted to do.
i don't know what i want to do. the only answer that comes readily to mind is to sleep. but we know what they say about a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands. sudden destruction. devastation. and while i could be proven wrong at any turn, there's no career to be had in sleep. i'm tired, and i'm too young to be this way. i feel like i've missed the part of my life where i could make stupid mistakes and love too many people at once. i've missed the part where i'd have fun and instead lived only a half-life in comparison.
it would be wonderful if it was all just some strange dream, instead of constantly having to choose the storm or the rocky shore.
on the one hand, mom. a woman who's been sick for the majority of my life with nerve damage or inexplicable pains or explicable pains (rheumatoid arthritis, for one). i haven't seen my mother healthy in a long, long time. i'd love to see it, in my lifetime.
but the likelihood? so scant, i can't even pretend it's not pie-in-the-sky.
so she needs care. constant, hand-and-foot waiting on her at every moment of the day. her eyes aren't what they used to be, so she needs help reading occasionally. her joints don't move how they used to, and it's no surprise that she needs help with motion for that reason alone. consider tonight, where a section of her thigh is hurting for no reason. she can't sleep, so it's not like there's much room for anyone else to rest.
we all have to be to work by 8 in the morning. when it's 1 am, who can really summon the energy to stay awake and comfort her until she rests? and when it's constant need for care, when is there ever time to get away except once she's died?
a rock.
on the other hand, life. even if i ignore the rock and choose to leave mom to be cared for by someone else, there's life. there's school and work now. there's no job prospects on the horizon. there's that fence about grad school and becoming a teacher that says "ugh mornings. ugh students. ugh more school." and then replies "steady paycheck. grants for just trying. steady way off this rock."
i haven't had the best training for the work field. the shortcuts are where i spend my time; this current job has prepared me for nothing at all except watercooler gossip. i'm scared because there's an economy in the toilet and nowhere to put down roots (and this isn't the time to put down roots, but i gotta be stable somewhere).
a hard place.
i feel like there must be some option i'm missing out on. some way where i don't consign myself to being unhappy and unfulfilled at every turn. i can hardly stand to care for my mother now, which pains me more than you could ever know. she's my mother! i consider it my duty to make sure she's comfortable and well taken care of. and yet, i can't stand it. i'm tired. but to just leave would only mean that i'm going for a job that will never work for me. sure, it's a needed field and sure, i could get paid well for it. but it was never something i really wanted to do.
i don't know what i want to do. the only answer that comes readily to mind is to sleep. but we know what they say about a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands. sudden destruction. devastation. and while i could be proven wrong at any turn, there's no career to be had in sleep. i'm tired, and i'm too young to be this way. i feel like i've missed the part of my life where i could make stupid mistakes and love too many people at once. i've missed the part where i'd have fun and instead lived only a half-life in comparison.
it would be wonderful if it was all just some strange dream, instead of constantly having to choose the storm or the rocky shore.
