goodbye, i guess

This may be as near as i get to talking about this for the last time.

I am not bipolar, danny. I'm fucked up.

So let's lay this out. I? Said no fucking. You? Fucked me. I cried, i said no... & yes i had an issue with backing up off your cock cause it felt good as much as it hurt & you kept reassuring me that it would be ok. So maybe i'm a dumb bitch... But there are definitions of rape that make what you did.....

And no matter what you think... I honestly did only think you really loved me when we fucked. Days passed & i heard only a little from you. The job you hated? Was always more important than me -- our plans getting set aside without a word from you because you suddenly had to work. And when we finally were together, i was ok. I had you & i didn't see how you talked to other girls vs how you talked to me.

But... Jesus christ, man! I told you the truth! It was an accident and it was small. It was nothing & i couldn't bear hurting you like had been done in the past. I would've kept my mouth shut if i'd known you'd go off the deep end. I'd have taken it to my grave, just so i could continue making you happy and knowing that god wasn't an asshole -- he'd given me a gift in you to save me from the hell i was living in.

So you broke up with me & turned into an asshole. Bravo. I'd worked on getting over you & you text me out of the blue. Same old.... pseudo phone sex shit. But... I could be ok. Wasn't torn up, worried more about your self-destructiveness than why you'd text at 4 in the morning to jack off to my directions.

And i find you're moving & you've quit your job that had kept us apart & yes. I was stupid to make time to see you again, even though i did wanna see if we could be ok. Because you were still an asshole. Barely civil... Just there to laugh at me & get your dick sucked.

You think you were being nice, barely touching your lips to mine & calling it a kiss?! No... You were being cruel. You shouldn't give a whore what you reserve for girlfriends. Because, as you said after... Kissing is for girlfriends only. You knew how i loved kissing you. I should've kicked you out then, when just that bare kiss made me want to cry.

But, fuck me. I wanted to suck your dick. I wanted to believe that maybe you would see that we were still good together. All wishful thinking, but hey. I loved you. Still love you. Couldn't you give me a chance?

So we argued again after the fact because you think i forgot we aren't together. I've never forgotten. I called you a liar because there's no way you can be a complete asshole & have no feeling without hating me.

We didn't talk again til tonight, a week and a half after you told me to fuck off. A week where i'm asking you to forgive me for taking out my rage on you. I didn't tell you about my fucking spiral down when not with you. The dangerous things i've done. I just needed a friend. I felt so alone and desperate that i fucked up more friendships in that same length of time....

And you.... You tell me to fuck off again. That i must be bipolar or something and to leave you alone.


You still don't get it. Danny, you are the first boy i've ever loved. I saw us together so far down the road that i can't even begin to describe it. I was and am ready to leave everything i know behind to be with you. First love. First kiss. First guy to ever see me as desirable. I would give everything i have to go back & never talk to a single other soul. Tell my folks to kiss my ass & drive off with you to god knows where. Get our plans back for june so i could be spending sunday mornings in bed naked with you now, your cock inside me and hearing you call me your angel. Get those plans so i could be cooking dinner beside you, or watching the shows you thought i should see.... Experiencing life with my one and only.

I miss your kiss. I miss your cock. Miss your hats and bike and 3 am fucks because i was out & you were up. I miss talking for hours online & on the phone. I miss the days where you held me close & i felt calm and whole and safe because you loved me. I miss the one person who was happy with me & who made me happier than i've ever been.

And i know i fucked it up. But, god danny! You're cruel and angry. You don't want to hear apologies. You don't want explanations. You don't wanna hear that maybe i'm confused because you aren't fair. I still don't know why you can't forgive... Why i had to be perfect and why you can't understand why i couldn't. I know you were treated bad before. But that doesn't mean i should suffer for it too!



I'm not bipolar. I'm in love with a man who i gave everything to, would do everything for.... And who only sees it in his heart to be cruel and angry & unforgiving.

I feel like i could die from how much you've destroyed me.