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wellownedbkupyou all know that i'm a Jehovah's Witness, right? i made that pretty clear.
to be perfectly honest, y'all also know that i do a bunch of things that JWs aren't supposed to do.
i'm having trouble formulating ideas right now cause i'm a little upset. there's a chick in supernatural fandom who posts pretty annually about how she grew up as a JW, but isn't now because of her horror stories and that she thinks we're all brainwashed and... whatever. she says that despite still holding some tenets of the faith as her basic moral structure.
ok. she just called into question how faithful i am based on my being "in fandom" and on LJ and... everything. my connection with her, too, as she's a lesbian, former JW and everything that a JW shouldn't be.
and it's not that i'm hurt about that. it's that i *know* what i'm doing is considered wrong. i mean, theological, biblical morals and principles say that you should be chaste. that being gay means being against god and condoning it makes you just as wicked. that your friends should have the same moral and spiritual personality as you, and if they don't, they'll lead you astray.
i know all of this. and deep down? i believe it. i believe everything i was taught growing up and i believe that everyone has to face up to what they've done in life and know that a series of choices leads them down a road to life or a road to death. the very seat of everything i do has a basis in knowing that god's way is the right way and i should always strive to live up to that.
i know it. and i believe it.
but on the surface? in my day to day? i want more. i have doubts. i have imperfections and views that differ. and that's allowed, isn't it? i mean, you can believe in your core tenets without being a zealot. paul himself said that he tried to do what was right, and still turned down a road to sin despite his best efforts.
i have times that i don't believe what i'm supposed to believe. days where i wonder if me being... not entirely straight is a result nature or nurture or current environs. sometimes i wonder if the end i believe in is coming, if the future i believe in is coming ever.
most of my day is spent reading slash, especially sam/dean slash. if anyone i knew IRL knew? i'd be shunned immediately. i don't talk about it for that specific reason.
god. if anyone knew i had an LJ, i'd be shunned immediately. if they ever read it? much worse, i'm sure. my parents would probably wish they had a firing squad.
i want tattoos. i shouldn't. i want piercings. i shouldn't. i want love from wherever i can get it for as long as i can get it. i should want something more... traditional. conservative morality. my actions should reflect back on god as favorably as it can. beacons of hope in a world that's on a downward spiral. i want something more than what i've got. i should be content.
and i told her that despite all my actions to the contrary, i really do believe. and i'm holding on to the little faith i have with my fingertips. it should mean something. it means something to me.
i... i can't give up being a JW. it's the most fulfilling thing i have in my life. friends lose touch, family turns out to be worthless... everything in this life is temporary. and i've found answers that satisfy me. that make sense. answers that haven't changed since the dawn of time to now, and won't change in the future. and that means something.
i don't even know why i'm upset. maybe it's because i'm being told that for all intents and purposes, i've given up on my faith. if someone were to put me up as an example of what a JW should be, they'd be so far off the mark, it's ridiculous. conduct unbecoming a christian.
but i thought that imperfections allowed for this variance. i thought that, if you still *try* to be your best, even if you fall short, that it would be enough.
this is what i hate about religious discussions. the inevitable breakdown.
i wonder if a hiatus from LJ during december would help. just to get my priorities straight.
to be perfectly honest, y'all also know that i do a bunch of things that JWs aren't supposed to do.
i'm having trouble formulating ideas right now cause i'm a little upset. there's a chick in supernatural fandom who posts pretty annually about how she grew up as a JW, but isn't now because of her horror stories and that she thinks we're all brainwashed and... whatever. she says that despite still holding some tenets of the faith as her basic moral structure.
ok. she just called into question how faithful i am based on my being "in fandom" and on LJ and... everything. my connection with her, too, as she's a lesbian, former JW and everything that a JW shouldn't be.
and it's not that i'm hurt about that. it's that i *know* what i'm doing is considered wrong. i mean, theological, biblical morals and principles say that you should be chaste. that being gay means being against god and condoning it makes you just as wicked. that your friends should have the same moral and spiritual personality as you, and if they don't, they'll lead you astray.
i know all of this. and deep down? i believe it. i believe everything i was taught growing up and i believe that everyone has to face up to what they've done in life and know that a series of choices leads them down a road to life or a road to death. the very seat of everything i do has a basis in knowing that god's way is the right way and i should always strive to live up to that.
i know it. and i believe it.
but on the surface? in my day to day? i want more. i have doubts. i have imperfections and views that differ. and that's allowed, isn't it? i mean, you can believe in your core tenets without being a zealot. paul himself said that he tried to do what was right, and still turned down a road to sin despite his best efforts.
i have times that i don't believe what i'm supposed to believe. days where i wonder if me being... not entirely straight is a result nature or nurture or current environs. sometimes i wonder if the end i believe in is coming, if the future i believe in is coming ever.
most of my day is spent reading slash, especially sam/dean slash. if anyone i knew IRL knew? i'd be shunned immediately. i don't talk about it for that specific reason.
god. if anyone knew i had an LJ, i'd be shunned immediately. if they ever read it? much worse, i'm sure. my parents would probably wish they had a firing squad.
i want tattoos. i shouldn't. i want piercings. i shouldn't. i want love from wherever i can get it for as long as i can get it. i should want something more... traditional. conservative morality. my actions should reflect back on god as favorably as it can. beacons of hope in a world that's on a downward spiral. i want something more than what i've got. i should be content.
and i told her that despite all my actions to the contrary, i really do believe. and i'm holding on to the little faith i have with my fingertips. it should mean something. it means something to me.
i... i can't give up being a JW. it's the most fulfilling thing i have in my life. friends lose touch, family turns out to be worthless... everything in this life is temporary. and i've found answers that satisfy me. that make sense. answers that haven't changed since the dawn of time to now, and won't change in the future. and that means something.
i don't even know why i'm upset. maybe it's because i'm being told that for all intents and purposes, i've given up on my faith. if someone were to put me up as an example of what a JW should be, they'd be so far off the mark, it's ridiculous. conduct unbecoming a christian.
but i thought that imperfections allowed for this variance. i thought that, if you still *try* to be your best, even if you fall short, that it would be enough.
this is what i hate about religious discussions. the inevitable breakdown.
i wonder if a hiatus from LJ during december would help. just to get my priorities straight.
