wellownedbkup: (Default)
This may be as near as i get to talking about this for the last time.

I am not bipolar, danny. I'm fucked up.

So let's lay this out. I? Said no fucking. You? Fucked me. I cried, i said no... & yes i had an issue with backing up off your cock cause it felt good as much as it hurt & you kept reassuring me that it would be ok. So maybe i'm a dumb bitch... But there are definitions of rape that make what you did.....

And no matter what you think... I honestly did only think you really loved me when we fucked. Days passed & i heard only a little from you. The job you hated? Was always more important than me -- our plans getting set aside without a word from you because you suddenly had to work. And when we finally were together, i was ok. I had you & i didn't see how you talked to other girls vs how you talked to me.

But... Jesus christ, man! I told you the truth! It was an accident and it was small. It was nothing & i couldn't bear hurting you like had been done in the past. I would've kept my mouth shut if i'd known you'd go off the deep end. I'd have taken it to my grave, just so i could continue making you happy and knowing that god wasn't an asshole -- he'd given me a gift in you to save me from the hell i was living in.

So you broke up with me & turned into an asshole. Bravo. I'd worked on getting over you & you text me out of the blue. Same old.... pseudo phone sex shit. But... I could be ok. Wasn't torn up, worried more about your self-destructiveness than why you'd text at 4 in the morning to jack off to my directions.

And i find you're moving & you've quit your job that had kept us apart & yes. I was stupid to make time to see you again, even though i did wanna see if we could be ok. Because you were still an asshole. Barely civil... Just there to laugh at me & get your dick sucked.

You think you were being nice, barely touching your lips to mine & calling it a kiss?! No... You were being cruel. You shouldn't give a whore what you reserve for girlfriends. Because, as you said after... Kissing is for girlfriends only. You knew how i loved kissing you. I should've kicked you out then, when just that bare kiss made me want to cry.

But, fuck me. I wanted to suck your dick. I wanted to believe that maybe you would see that we were still good together. All wishful thinking, but hey. I loved you. Still love you. Couldn't you give me a chance?

So we argued again after the fact because you think i forgot we aren't together. I've never forgotten. I called you a liar because there's no way you can be a complete asshole & have no feeling without hating me.

We didn't talk again til tonight, a week and a half after you told me to fuck off. A week where i'm asking you to forgive me for taking out my rage on you. I didn't tell you about my fucking spiral down when not with you. The dangerous things i've done. I just needed a friend. I felt so alone and desperate that i fucked up more friendships in that same length of time....

And you.... You tell me to fuck off again. That i must be bipolar or something and to leave you alone.

You still don't get it. Danny, you are the first boy i've ever loved. I saw us together so far down the road that i can't even begin to describe it. I was and am ready to leave everything i know behind to be with you. First love. First kiss. First guy to ever see me as desirable. I would give everything i have to go back & never talk to a single other soul. Tell my folks to kiss my ass & drive off with you to god knows where. Get our plans back for june so i could be spending sunday mornings in bed naked with you now, your cock inside me and hearing you call me your angel. Get those plans so i could be cooking dinner beside you, or watching the shows you thought i should see.... Experiencing life with my one and only.

I miss your kiss. I miss your cock. Miss your hats and bike and 3 am fucks because i was out & you were up. I miss talking for hours online & on the phone. I miss the days where you held me close & i felt calm and whole and safe because you loved me. I miss the one person who was happy with me & who made me happier than i've ever been.

And i know i fucked it up. But, god danny! You're cruel and angry. You don't want to hear apologies. You don't want explanations. You don't wanna hear that maybe i'm confused because you aren't fair. I still don't know why you can't forgive... Why i had to be perfect and why you can't understand why i couldn't. I know you were treated bad before. But that doesn't mean i should suffer for it too!

I'm not bipolar. I'm in love with a man who i gave everything to, would do everything for.... And who only sees it in his heart to be cruel and angry & unforgiving.

I feel like i could die from how much you've destroyed me.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
About Nix.

the future )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
to the boy who once loved me

whenever i'm found with a moment of silence?
i weep
i feel as if my life has ended
and begun all at once
this brave old world that we faced together
frightens me and i sit
back against the wall and holding a teddy bear
and i weep

first thought as i wake and last as i lie down
now a series of stutters
false starts where i can't whisper
"good morning, love"
"sweet dreams, trezo"
into digital ears and my stomach churns
loud in the emptiness of my room and my bed
and i weep

we were, once, the definition of human love
incandescent and heartening
until i became the definition of human
imperfect and heartbreaking
too thoughtless in action to mean inaction
too weak to stand
and i weep

i don't know how to fill the empty time
how to count each of the twenty three and a half hours
minutes that used to be marked by you
my phone a dead limb
my heart a useless pump
leaving just my eyes to watch you leave
and i weep
wellownedbkup: (Default)
dear lover,

i know you said you'll message me later, but i haven't stopped crying long enough to be able to hold this conversation on the phone. and i need you to know everything before...

i'm not giving up without a fight, my love )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Dear Me of the Future,

I don’t know if things will go according to plan. As well you know, things have rarely ever done what I wanted them to in the time in which I wanted them done. But, for the sake of Me, I hope you’re happy.

As of writing this, you’ve only known him for 3 months, and whether you’ve stayed with him is only something that time will tell. I hope you stayed with him. He may not be your first love, but he was your first. And even when he brings the dark and ugly parts of you into the light, he at least has the heart to caress and adore them as much as you do his. I don’t hope for children between you, but I hope you’re still together, happy.

Dear Me in 5 years,

We worry that things are a passing phase. And I pray that most of them are, especially the darkest parts of you that you try to hide. But the heart of Me is good, I think, and the most important things are not temporary as they seem.

As of writing this, she’s in some cold M state, writing you messages from time to time and making you wish you were there with her. The curves of her body are inviting. And she makes you feel like you have finally reached sanity. I can only pray that, in these interim years, she’s joined the Cirque as she planned and that she comes home to you and him and a king-sized bed that always feels just a little lonely without her in it.

Dear Me in the years to come,

Time is fleeting. Happiness comes and goes. Success itself is not lasting. But you are finding your happiness where you can, aren’t you? Don’t stress over the small things. Everything works itself out in time. No matter the things you leave behind, you have him, I assume, and her. You have friends who love you, even when you rarely talk to them. You always have a home to return to and can always be forgiven your mistakes.

Me, you’ll always struggle. I know that. You know that. It hasn’t been easy to get where you are, has it Me? But above all else, you’ve reached. Which is all you can ever hope to do. Reach. Someone said once that you should always shoot for the moon so that, even when you miss, you’re among the stars. Never forget that, Me. Never settle for this because there’s always more. Bring him, bring her, bring them both along for the ride.
But never settle for this life.

Dear Older Me,

Be warm, Me, and well-fed. You are always loved. Never doubt it.

Love, I Me.


May. 10th, 2010 01:44 am
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i don't know how to do this.

i don't know how to spend 2 days with no word from you and not worry that something's happened, that i've done something, that this?? was both the best and the worst thing i've done.

i spent friday and saturday among friends. spent today with family. and i thought of you as much as i always do. sent little one-off messages to talk to you and tell you what i'm up to. and i haven't heard so much as a word since friday night when i said i shoulda just gone to the movies alone.

was it that? was that the final straw? how ridiculous is it to think that something like saying i wished i'd stayed out of the house longer would stop you from telling me you love me or calling me beautiful?

i don't know how to do this.

i don't know how to turn off my need to hear you. i wish i had a voicemail from you so i could hear your voice on replay. not have to scrounge around on youtube for a music video of the song you sang to me the first dozen times we talked on the phone.

i don't need much. feel like a dog begging scraps from your table when i ask that you just... text me. call me. email me. say something. two words "hey love" or "hi beautiful" like you've said before. tell me you miss me. tell me you're tired of the shitstorm in your life and how you wish you had your own place so we could hide out under blankets together and let the day pass. show me that i mean something to you, goddammit, and that you don't just think of me when you're horny and you need someone.

fuck. i don't know how to do this.

i don't know how to let go, and let God. i don't know how to let you go when we're together. god, sure, it may end. and if it does, then i can stand to say goodbye. but i don't know how to deal with two days of no word, two days of absolute silence.

jesus. i get that you maybe left your phone somewhere and you can't find it. i get that it's possible that you don't even know i'm sitting here freaking out because i think i've done something wrong.

i don't know how to play games. i don't know how to be strong when i don't know what's going on.

i don't know how to do this.
wellownedbkup: (let go)
lj idol, home game, week 19
open topic:

it was a sunday afternoon. afternoon delight. cut for talk about sex )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
week 18 home game


it's frightening and i'm not sure what it means...cut for... cryptic allusions to sex based things )
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Riding my bike to work: great idea... Not possible atm. *pant pant die* after 6 blocks. D:
wellownedbkup: (Default)
My sister just got a real job! *flaily kermit dance of glee*
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Told mom again about moving out. She actually took me serious this time. *sigh* knew her nonchalance was BS.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
minutes since we hung up the phone: 24.
minutes since i've wanted to text or call him back: 25.

i woke up at 3 this morning to help my mom and found myself asking him via IM: "do you think i'm too clingy? or needy? or something?" and then following that up in maybe 5 minutes with the "*sigh* nevermind. it's just my issues peeking through. sleep, my love, and peace attend thee." because that's true. he calls me almost immediately to ask why i'd think that. why i'd assume he thinks i'm clingy. which i don't. i just... wonder.

i don't know. i know that people have lives. and that they don't revolve around me or my schedule. i'm used to being very back-burner in anyone's life, including my own. so today i've sent a handful of texts to him, telling him i love him or just a random thought about school/homework. i texted him because i wanted to see him. or hear from him. and knowing as i do what he's doing this week... i still wanted him to call me up and tell me that i'm gorgeous and that he wishes he was here to wrap his arms around me or lay his head in my lap.

in the balance of the day, i've thought of him more than i've thought of all the things i have left to do before graduation and real life actually strikes. i opened our text thread on my phone maybe every 5 minutes to send him something and only by sheer dint of will did i erase it and lock my keypad again.

the first thing i think of in the morning, and the last as i fall asleep, and i don't know how to not feel like i am barely breathing while waiting for him to text or to call. insanity. even now, when it's been another 5 minutes or so since i started writing, i keep forcing myself to look away from the phone because i know that i'll hear a tone when i get a text and that my signal is fine. but he won't text me tonight. staring at my phone will not change that.

i miss him before i even hang up the phone. i crave him lying next to me and actually waking up beside him, knowing he won't leave. *sigh* i just need to accept that, until that happens on a regular basis, i need to let go.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Pizza? For breakfast? It's like i'm in college or something...
wellownedbkup: (Default)
i am not courageous.

every waking hour, i spend like an accountant
pros and cons weighed like gold in scales
like gold in scales made before time itself
and i watch the balance shift back and forth with shaking hands
shaping weights of ideals.

every detail is itemized and i'm always in the deficit
the shape of me, the way of me
no more than a film of dust in the balance.
my ledger is thick with transactions
of a hint of sin tainting the goods.
the balance of the scales will tip with assessing the risk of you...

but i am not courageous.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Skipping 1/2 of class does wonders. Heals the disquieted soul.
wellownedbkup: (Default)
Be nice if i could catch a 8k loan. Pay off the current loan, buy a car & get furniture. Need my happy ending.

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