the come-out post

[wellownedbkup]

i'm debating coming out of the proverbial closet. there's nothing saying that i have to. nothing saying that it matters at all in the long run. but it may be nice to try to do something about it.



now, what do i mean? am i somewhat stuck in a closet?? well... yes and no. i'm stuck inside a closet of asexuality (well, i was. until now, when i just said i am in the closet of asexuality which means i'm no longer in that closet. but that's moot and doesn't mean anything now that i've run it into the ground. consider me uncloseted.)...

i was searching around on aven and trying to figure me out, right? and i'm like... so maybe i'm not really straight/bi/gay/questioning/whatever. and i look it all up and i'm like... hmm... let's see what's me.

more with the emotional than the sexual: yep.
gets aroused, but not always toward a person: yep.
can find people attractive, but not with any kind of want to sex them up: yep.
masturbates (mebbe), but doesn't always fantasize about themselves with another person: yep (that's tmi, i know. sorry).
emotional and romantic crushes, not so much with the body: yep.
love at first conversation, not love at first sight: yessir.

i know that can fit a more spiritual/metaphysical/nonsexual connection that others have. and that was a situation where i'm going... huh. that's not too bad. i can deal with that.

the site went on to say that asexual is just a label. it's a case of you can be straight/gay/bi/poly if you want... just not really sexually attracted to people. i go... *jaw drop* what??

yes. that's right. that can explain why i can go... dang. she/he (she/he being a friend) is really great. i wish we could have that kind of relationship just closer. and i'm not trying to get in anyone's pant(ies)s. it's just... it explains so much of it to me. i think nothing of cuddling with someone. being in a loving relationship with a girl and not wanting to go "do the nasty" with her (or whatever). same with a guy.

so... i'm still looking at it and going... huh. how about that. that can explain why i'm not in any kind of rush to get married. the sex just doesn't appeal to me. i can do well enough for myself on my own. (something about rosie palm and her four sisters. and john doe's younger brother, dill.)



i know it sounds weird, considering that i'm the one who jumped headfirst into the smut writing that went from being holding hands to off the deep end fastest. consider that me trying to cover my ass. consider that me trying to make up for the fact that i can't be bothered with sex. consider that me trying to hide the truth under a basket of prOn.

and maybe it's all gonna work out for the good now. i don't have to worry about trying to be like everyone else and talk about my *non-existent* boyfriend. i don't have to join the sex talks. i don't have to hear any of it. because it's not my style. it's not what i'm into. it's not part of my nature.



and who knows? i may go and be some six kinds of freaky if/when i get married. i'd feel sorry for the boy (cause, really, i think i'm a straight asexual..., minus the occasional fantasy of a girl), if i am that kind of freaky.





so... my question to you is... can you deal with that? can you deal with me not being "normal"? or even that well regarded in this semi-tolerant world we're living in?

Comments

[eudaimon.livejournal.com]

Normal is relative, sugar.

(And I pretty much identify the same way, more or less).

[wellowned.livejournal.com]

normal is very relative. considering that i haven't yet told my parents, i'm glad i'm not in the boat alone.

[eudaimon.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of people like it, darlin'. I told my mum. My mum's good like that. I also told the bloke who I was and was not seeing. If people are worth it, they understand these things we tell them.

You need to chat, need someone to listen, you can IM me, k? I'm almost always around.

[astaria51.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm cool with it. :D *hugs* I'm glad you're figuring things out.

Really, sex can be wonderful (personally), but I think my own sex drive is a lot lower than a lot of people's. Most of what I need and want at night is cuddles and someone who's willing to curl up with me and love me. What I like about sex primarily is the person I'm with and the closeness. I think this society puts sex on a pedestal and a lot more people would be in your situation if they felt comfortable about it.

[wellowned.livejournal.com]

i guess you're right.

i think i was too busy covering my ass to think about whether i was or wasn't before now.

[enchanted-jae.livejournal.com]

I know this is a big deal to you, but you must know the rest of us don't find it to be so much. By that, I mean I doubt that anyone is going to unfriend you over it or be squicked out or anything. I hope it helps you to realize you're not alone in how you feel, and that you can put a name to the way you are. Chin up and cheer up!

[wellowned.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thank you for reminding me that some people are sane. :D

seriously, though. here, i can at least think i'm being understood. at home, it's all smoke and mirrors. i can't be any "less" than a "normal" person. my parents would disapprove of me even thinking i'm not normal.

but it does feel better to know that i'm not drifting in a sea of normalcy and i'm odd man out.

[thefragyle.livejournal.com]

i don't see anything all that unusual about it? (sorry, love, i'm just going back and reading through my back flist entries from when i was gone).

but i'm glad you're being honest about all of it. and that you've reached some point where you're being honest with yourself and all that. don't worry about being "unnormal" or anything like that. you're like a lot more people than you think.

[wellowned.livejournal.com]

and yet... i think this whole thing was more an exercise in getting over myself. after not telling anyone anything and working overtime covering my ass so i wouldn't be "abnormal/unnormal/weird"... and being told that anything not normal is bad and wrong and whatever... i tried overhard to try to get you guys to understand.

thank god i have nice, understanding, cool friends who're like... "that's nice morghan. at least you're working out who you are."

(i kinda figured you were gone, though, so no worries. if you posted how it went, you can expect a comment from me soon. my internet's acting funky.)

[mushroom-maiden.livejournal.com]

Sounds similar to me, actually... though I'm pretty sure I'm not asexual:

more with the emotional than the sexual: yes
gets aroused, but not always toward a person: no. only get aroused when with someone.
can find people attractive, but not with any kind of want to sex them up: yes
masturbates (mebbe), but doesn't always fantasize about themselves with another person: yes, definitely, in fact I never fantasize seuxally
emotional and romantic crushes, not so much with the body: yes.
love at first conversation, not love at first sight: yes

With me, as I mentioned in my intro-post, I only get aroused when I am actually WITH someone, kissing or whatever. But, once stuff is happening, I am very into sex.... I know I'm not asexual, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and I am a sensual, sexual person. Whatever. my point being, others seem to find it unusual when told I don't get horny or whatever unless I'm either doing stuff with someone (someone I am already in love with, as well) or am reminded of previously-done stuff... i.e. "Hey honey, remember when we did this...?" (Although I don't think anyone has ever actually called me Honey... 0.o)

Sorry... random ramble... *waves hello!*