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wellownedbkupso i completely skipped talking about new year's. which is nothing new, as i never do anything on new year's anymore. there was a thing one of my friends did... but my brother didn't tell me so i didn't hear about it until after it was over. besides, we were both sorta out of commission after this past week.
on the other hand, this year's not really getting off to a great start. there was the 'happy new year' from jones (and only jones) by text. and there was the total absence of any kind of drink in the house. i'm on a diet (after a fashion) because if i don't, i'll be blind in less than 20 years (or, you know, anything else that diabetics do. like lose limbs). there was dinner out with my sister yesterday that involved a rude waitress and nasty food and no tip (because, hey, if you're going to ignore my table for 20 minutes and serve other tables first and more thoroughly, you gets no tip). oh, and work at 7:30 this morning and a frozen car and A DEAD HEATER.
and, most importantly, being asked out AGAIN by jones and ignoring his messages because...
i really do like Jones. i mean, he's a perv and messed up and the worst for me EVER and everyone went through a phase where they were like all 'yeah, him' and he did STACY of all people (not knocking stacy, but i just don't think i want to go somewhere she's already been....), but i still like him. i think he's....
ok, do you know how often i've had someone who'll like ME? who would stop in the middle of a crowded hallway and stop me and worry just because my hello wasn't as up as it ought to be? somebody who'd let me fall asleep on their shoulder and not move... just cause i asked?? dude, in my life, i haven't had ANYONE who would do that for me that hasn't been treating me like a little sister other than jones. god, and senior year was all pervy and skirting the subject and molestation in hallways and it made me feel like i was worth something, you know? it made me feel... good. and good for me is rare.
and i haven't seen him to talk to him in 2 years. i mean, there was that phone call, and a couple of messages on myspace (when i still had it).... but that's nothing compared to being able to hug him again and to feel drowned by him. nothing compared to being warm and sweet smoke and the breadness of his shoulders. god, it was the call of him leaving and not to forget him and then it was nothing. 2 months of me gone, 2 years of him gone and i was running late to work a couple of months ago and i saw him! i saw him and i couldn't stop to say hello. just a text joking that his hair was brighter than i remembered.
and it shouldn't be this painful, should it? i shouldn't be sitting here and aching to see him again and wishing i could and couldn't and wishing i had taken him up on his sort of offer way back when i wanted to get out. i shouldn't want to touch him this much, or wonder what it would be like to have someone... even if it's him. (especially if it's him) love isn't supposed to destroy, is it? i'm not supposed to want to cry every time i miss his call or have to say no. i'm not supposed to want him this badly.
what will his fiancee say? to know that.... and yet, i wonder if it's even still aaronandchristina. if there's ever been anything more than us as friends. never could get our schedules to match in liking each other, could we?
god. he asked me out again last night. and if he'd just said something half an hour before, i wouldn't have gone home. i would've driven to whereever he was to just hug him tight for a moment, to ask him how he's been, and i would've been happy. for a moment, i would've been where i wanted to be. and god. it's that impossible.
and i keep thinking that maybe i'll get a full-time job and be able to support myself outside my home so i can live on my own. and maybe i'd be able to do the things that i've wanted to do for so long. tell them that i'm finally free and i wish.... i keep thinking that maybe it'd be alright then. and maybe i won't be perfect, and maybe they'll get tired of me eventually and kick me to the curb since everything's temporary anyway. but god. i just keep wishing and praying that i'm not falling in love with him still. because i want him and i don't need him in my life. but i want him so badly that it's hurting. i've wanted him for 5 years. and it's not enough to know that while i'm here, while i'm with family this much, i have to keep him so far away.
i haven't had anyone or anything in my life that's been lasting. my friends have grown up and gotten tired of me. i haven't spoken to some people i loved dearly in years. and to feel... attractive again! to know that there's someone who does think that i'm worthwhile instead of a negative useless bitch. it's been so long.... and i miss that. i miss him. and i want him back in my life so much, i just spent an hour whining about it. i have turned him down so many times that i'm beginning to think that there's not going to be any hope. not even of friendship.
but god. i want him.
happy fucking new year to me.
on the other hand, this year's not really getting off to a great start. there was the 'happy new year' from jones (and only jones) by text. and there was the total absence of any kind of drink in the house. i'm on a diet (after a fashion) because if i don't, i'll be blind in less than 20 years (or, you know, anything else that diabetics do. like lose limbs). there was dinner out with my sister yesterday that involved a rude waitress and nasty food and no tip (because, hey, if you're going to ignore my table for 20 minutes and serve other tables first and more thoroughly, you gets no tip). oh, and work at 7:30 this morning and a frozen car and A DEAD HEATER.
and, most importantly, being asked out AGAIN by jones and ignoring his messages because...
i really do like Jones. i mean, he's a perv and messed up and the worst for me EVER and everyone went through a phase where they were like all 'yeah, him' and he did STACY of all people (not knocking stacy, but i just don't think i want to go somewhere she's already been....), but i still like him. i think he's....
ok, do you know how often i've had someone who'll like ME? who would stop in the middle of a crowded hallway and stop me and worry just because my hello wasn't as up as it ought to be? somebody who'd let me fall asleep on their shoulder and not move... just cause i asked?? dude, in my life, i haven't had ANYONE who would do that for me that hasn't been treating me like a little sister other than jones. god, and senior year was all pervy and skirting the subject and molestation in hallways and it made me feel like i was worth something, you know? it made me feel... good. and good for me is rare.
and i haven't seen him to talk to him in 2 years. i mean, there was that phone call, and a couple of messages on myspace (when i still had it).... but that's nothing compared to being able to hug him again and to feel drowned by him. nothing compared to being warm and sweet smoke and the breadness of his shoulders. god, it was the call of him leaving and not to forget him and then it was nothing. 2 months of me gone, 2 years of him gone and i was running late to work a couple of months ago and i saw him! i saw him and i couldn't stop to say hello. just a text joking that his hair was brighter than i remembered.
and it shouldn't be this painful, should it? i shouldn't be sitting here and aching to see him again and wishing i could and couldn't and wishing i had taken him up on his sort of offer way back when i wanted to get out. i shouldn't want to touch him this much, or wonder what it would be like to have someone... even if it's him. (especially if it's him) love isn't supposed to destroy, is it? i'm not supposed to want to cry every time i miss his call or have to say no. i'm not supposed to want him this badly.
what will his fiancee say? to know that.... and yet, i wonder if it's even still aaronandchristina. if there's ever been anything more than us as friends. never could get our schedules to match in liking each other, could we?
god. he asked me out again last night. and if he'd just said something half an hour before, i wouldn't have gone home. i would've driven to whereever he was to just hug him tight for a moment, to ask him how he's been, and i would've been happy. for a moment, i would've been where i wanted to be. and god. it's that impossible.
and i keep thinking that maybe i'll get a full-time job and be able to support myself outside my home so i can live on my own. and maybe i'd be able to do the things that i've wanted to do for so long. tell them that i'm finally free and i wish.... i keep thinking that maybe it'd be alright then. and maybe i won't be perfect, and maybe they'll get tired of me eventually and kick me to the curb since everything's temporary anyway. but god. i just keep wishing and praying that i'm not falling in love with him still. because i want him and i don't need him in my life. but i want him so badly that it's hurting. i've wanted him for 5 years. and it's not enough to know that while i'm here, while i'm with family this much, i have to keep him so far away.
i haven't had anyone or anything in my life that's been lasting. my friends have grown up and gotten tired of me. i haven't spoken to some people i loved dearly in years. and to feel... attractive again! to know that there's someone who does think that i'm worthwhile instead of a negative useless bitch. it's been so long.... and i miss that. i miss him. and i want him back in my life so much, i just spent an hour whining about it. i have turned him down so many times that i'm beginning to think that there's not going to be any hope. not even of friendship.
but god. i want him.
happy fucking new year to me.
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....uh, dammit, my caps disappeared. *looks for them*
Date: 2007-01-02 06:37 pm (UTC)so i don't know what to say, except that:
someday you will get out. i know it. if i have to come kidnap you (and i will) or get some bizarre roommates or live in a garret you'll get out and decide for yourself what's right for you.
and there will be other guys (/girls/whatever [vampires?]) that will make you feel good about yourself. jonesy is a pervert and a rebel and...trying to be monogamous ?!?...--and, y'know, under it all, a big sweetheart.
but for all that - he's not the only one of his kind.
ps: not tired of you. and avoiding growing up, for that matter. *is a lost boy*. and i still think you're lovely, and talented, and probably much more than you'll let yourself believe. <33
Re: ....uh, dammit, my caps disappeared. *looks for them*
Date: 2007-01-02 06:42 pm (UTC)thanks for saying that. i know he'd make me feel worse in the long run. i think that's why i keep saying no.
and yeah. i hope there will be other guys (/girls/whatever [vampires?]) in the future. i'm just waiting....
Re: ....uh, dammit, my caps disappeared. *looks for them*
Date: 2007-01-02 06:46 pm (UTC)Maybe you should call him and talk to him, though (sometime). So he knows yeah, your parents wouldn't let you go and maybe you can't, but it's not that you don't want to talk to him. And maybe THAT will make you feel worse, but at least you'll both understand that you're still friends.
*snugs*
Re: ....uh, dammit, my caps disappeared. *looks for them*
Date: 2007-01-02 06:51 pm (UTC)but, my number. 5026094411. yup.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-02 06:44 pm (UTC)...which strikes me as weird. maybe I had it on my old phone? *puzzles*