oh... jeez

i swear to god. i refuse to think that zac efron is hot. david lines or no.

hot damn. he's as old as my sister! this makes me feel old and dirty.

only in kenya!!

see... i'm really not here. my brain, my heart... everything is elsewhere. i'm feeling totally abstracted. i just want to go to sleep and this all be over or nearer or something. a week. i've got a frikkin week left here before i go, and i'm not ready. i'm not packed. i'm not ( whining )

for this.

*sigh*

i'm scared. and excited. and just...

ok, so i was reading this story at one point (funny how life references fanfiction) this month, and i was... well, it was all about how this guy (not gonna tell what fandom) was staying at this beach house because his brother died out at sea and he found himself floating for hours and hours and hours in the ocean to be close to him. and i swear to god, i'm feeling like that right now. i want to just lay out in the water and float and float until the world drifts away and this ache in my shoulders goes away and and... i feel really pissed off for some reason and i swear i don't understand why.

WHY THE FUCK?

jeez. i'm really tired, i guess. ((and oh my god, on the news this guy just pulled a Phantom Traveler.... the ep from supernatural?? that is INSANE.)) i think i'm working myself to a panic about it. i'm gonna hate this all the way until i get on the plane and then i won't care. but oh. until then, my stomach's aching and i have a headache and i just.... shit. i dunno anymore. why'd i decide this would be a good idea??? why'd i think that taking a vacation where people know me was a good idea? where the fuck was my mind at that point?

oh. fuck. i can't... and... jeez. i need to go to bed.