(no subject)

two tight hugs for the juanboy. a passing glance at miami. is transfer of affection really that easy? i guess so.

the meeting was nice. like i remember--long and interminable, funny bits i don't get, the intermission of cheese and tomato sandwiches. there was the things i don't remember: touching juanboy freely to let him know we were there, the lack of actual communication with the deaf friends, the snobbery of acquaintances as opposed to friends... i don't know. it was... what it was. if that can be related to the reality of this.

he's still slinky and my friend and the hugs and the freely touching of his shoulder to acknowledge our presence in his presence. it almost felt like home again. like gq and roberto and the difference between the clique-y and the slinky and the open affection. all that was missing was him standing still long enough for me to link my arm in his and lay my head on his shoulder. but he wasn't still. he was everywhere but. so to have him suddenly hugging me goodbye was... oh god, so terrifying. and i had to hug him again because jeez, he's been the nicest, awesomest awesome boy i've had the chance to meet more than once. i am entirely thankful i talked to him about my coming. and that he's just been...

he's fucking fantastic.

it was everything and nothing like i remember. and i can't come back until i have a car of my own. so that i can blow them all off as loss and just hang with the folks i love. play nice with hols and juanboy. say hello to all the friends who actually care about the visits from so far away.

i just can't be in love with him, though. there's no way that i could possibly be in love with him. because he's so frikking fantastic, and i'm nowhere near to that. i'm just total loss and a failure at everything that would be what he needed. and maybe i'm selling myself short, but it feels like i couldn't be near to what he needs.

and all i need is celestine to bring it up later on about how much he loves me. jesus. (*note: he has done the following--allowed use of a phone he put credit on, paid for the postage to send the phone back, fed us willingly, gave up sleep/work/friend-time to hang with us, put up with us chatting incessantly like 12 year olds, took us out in the ministry [that is, to say, he stopped to get us and make sure we had a way everywhere], picked us up and dropped us off and called us a cab, basically spent his savings making sure we were happy.... is that it?) i don't really need my expectations that high. after everything that i've done. not now.

(no subject)

so we made it, safe and sound, to edinburgh. texted the juanboy to ease his mind--have yet to hear from him that he got the text, but you know... also texted the parents. battery's running low, but i've got my laptop plugged in at the moment, so not really too worried about it. just need a decent charge on one before i plug up the other.

so, totally getting a sickness, now. i think it's because of walking around sleeveless on friday or so, and then there's a cat here. which, i mean, it's alright, but i'm allergic. and aren't you supposed to warn people of that before you say they can stay? sheesh. so on the plan for sometime soon this week is orange juice and benadryl or something like it. antihistamine because this drainage ain't working with me.

my head's hurting now. that totally sucks and tells me i'm getting sick. fell asleep on the couch while watching csi. guess that means i'm totally comfortable. (i think at juanboy's i may've done so too, given the chance. not that we ever sat there for any long length of time. whatever. i'm not sure i want him to see me fast asleep anyway.) whatever. the train ride was long. not happening.

speaking of trains, i'm totally driving next time. this place, right on the coast... berwick upon tweed? something like that. GORGEOUS. totally wanna stop there next time. plus driving through edinburgh was the coolest thing EVER. cobbled streets and shops everywhere (ok, that sounds really girly) and a dormant/extinct volcano and that's what i wanna see. i want the long drive so we can stop here and there and that's that.

but, i mean, that's not the only reason. i also want a car so that i can pick up my juanboy and take him away spontaneously and be able to completely blow off rat bastards and just... i need that freedom. it'd be different if i was entirely dependent anyway. but i'm not. i'm not i'm not i'm not and i definitely need to rent a car next time. i've gotta get away from being dependent. i'm gonna get dad or someone to teach me to drive a stick and then i'll be set. we'll drive about and have a teeny teeny car just like other english folks and that is the plan.

but, jesus. i need to be unsick immediately. her brother's not cute, but hey... i'm leaving my options open. HE PLAYS GUITAR. I MEAN, HOW MUCH BETTER DOES IT GET??? (note to self--if he played drums, i'd be drooling. get it together.)