i pray thee, gentle mortal, speak again

ok, so it's about 2:30 in the morning, and it's roasting in my bedroom. i've got strategically placed fans, and they're not doing much. it's too early to turn on the A/C, but i see that i'm bagging up my laundry and doing so within the week. ugh. i figure if i don't go to sleep in the next hour (unlikely), i'm turning on the light and getting an early start.

i don't think i should've drank that glass of pepsi max after being off energy drinks for so long. not that i was desensitizing myself or anything. sheesh.

had an ok weekend. wish i hadn't demolished my bank account. had about 200 saved for poland (well, something like) and basically had to spend it all on food and entertaining my grand-mere. parents out of town = expensive week. they didn't go shopping for anything, but i had to. ugh. so free weekend was free, at least. karaoke saturday, monopoly and pizza sunday. good times. except for when it wasn't. i'm not made for karaoke. embarrassment squick times a billionty. actually knew one of the dudes there from like... UofL. creepy!! rocked it, but can't do it again and expect to live through it.

also, hey, now i remember why i hate playing monopoly. mortgaged half my properties just to stay afloat. was doing awesome wheelin-and-dealin moves, though. nearly had folks. but you've got one or two greedy and dishonest people that get loud and all into the game and it loses the funness.


still haven't done my homework. too busy trying to figure out why movies keep skipping on my computer. i think the hard drive can't take it anymore. which sucks, cause i just spent two days torrenting the new star trek and that one cutesy midsummer night's dream musical?? and i watched one and it just kept buffering or something, you know? HATES.

i kinda wanna see astaria51 et al. this week, but with school, lack of car, and Celestine coming in on wednesday, i don't think it'll happen. DARNIT. why am i not capable of sending a clone to school and work for me so i can see the people i know and love?

should go write comment_fic, but i think my brain is giving up on me. i just wanna read something long and involved. i mean, it's big bang season, yeah? where's the stuff? i'm probably too early for it. besides, my word count is so diminished, i need to do the writing like... yesterday. last week. whatever.

i wish i could sew. my plan is to buy or make whatever i'm taking to poland with me. but wrap shirts and cowl neck shirts are hard to comprehend atm. i want something that drapes nicely, travels well and makes me look good. i know, SO HARD TO DO OMG. but still.

twenty minutes in, and i'm so tired...

i shouldn't have eaten the pizza. i'm a little nauseous now. but it would've been rude to just let it sit there, right?


anyway.

talked to my sister-a-country-removed about things. apparently Juanboy is talking to her again. good for him. i told her about The Breakup That Wasn't. she seems more peeved that i'm still talking to Miami and The New Boy. seems The New Boy only talks to her when Miami's not around, and Miami pointedly only ever talks to her son, never her or her husband. i find that annoying. they're awfully petty. she told me she has no idea why she ever fancied Miami. i kinda agree, solely based on how shitty he treated me last time i was there. oh, Miami seems to dig himself into holes with girls. treats them like crap, is too self-involved and is a jealous, petty, little bitch of a man. very bitter. i wish he'd grow up. yes, he's pretty. but pretty ain't nothing.

but it's good to hear from my adopted baby sister. she's a doll. i'm sorry i ever meddled in her dating life (i told her she should give Juanboy a chance, so she did, thus the big falling out between them all), but i'm glad i get to keep her.

i'm far too bitter about The Breakup That Wasn't. i mean, it was a waste of my time, but i don't particularly care about that. i think i'm just.... bitter because i fully expected that we were going to actually be friends, you know? i seem to be lost on my social contracts-- too honest and naive to tell the little lies that are assumed true in conversation. it wasn't meant to be a breakup, so why did it turn into one? we stay friends? good, then let's stay friends. or did you really mean "stop contacting me because i'm scared that you'll expect more out of me than you're getting"? or whatever. god i hate social niceties.

on the bright side, i'm free to date whoever. now if only i didn't hate everything about what i'd have to do to get a guy. i mean, i pulled, no problem when i wasn't trying. where's that je ne sais quoi i had when i was 18 and every guy wanted me? how did i become the It Girl and why am i not one now? i think i want to go up to indy just to get my ego stroked. at least there i have two guys that fight for my attention. it's cute cause they're really kids (one's 19 now, i think, and the other'll be 15 or 16 soon), but they treat me preciously. and i like that feeling. plus they made some comment at one point where they compared me to a girl that i guess the older one was dating for some time and then had stopped? and it sounded like out of Grease ("she got jugs like annette?" "man, nobody's got jugs like annette's.") but without the innuendo so obvious. i wanna feel like i did in the hayride where he cuddled up beside me and it felt awesome. god that reminded me of middle school and the little jackass trying to cop a feel. but still. it was interlaced with those few days i had where me and the guy i was friends with at the time just... clicked. like these everlasting little bubbles of time where everything slowed down and nothing else existed.

like chris and sitting in that alcove in the pillar outside of school.
like shane and reclining on the bleachers in the park.
like max and whatever the hell we talked about at graduation.
like aaron against the lockers, or the hand holding in the halls.

gosh i feel lonely.