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wellownedbkupfor those of you who care what i've been up to lately.... i'm kinda 'off-grid' right now. that is, socially speaking, i'm not doing so much. not sure whether it's by choice or by force. i haven't been on Y!M, AIM, MSN, GoogleTalk, LJ, GJ, Facebook, Bebo or Ringo in any kind of regular spacing, nor have i been emailing, txting, calling, whatever like i ought to. all in all, i've been ignoring emails and calls and lurking about invisibly.
i'm not really sure why i'm acting this way, either. except that, if you're just joining, i should probably tell you that i joined LJ and was suddenly thrust into the shittiest 4 years of my life. how so?
2004: my aunt comes to live with my family as she's dying of cancer. i graduate high school, only to see her die of cancer that november.
2005: my mom nearly dies of strep throat compacting a 7 year infection no doctor would believe. i spend a decent couple of months in england, only to find out my grandparents don't like my attitude. within a month of returning, every bit of stress is back. and i start flunking out of college.
2006: i flunk out of college. my mom loses the ability to walk on her own power and has to rely on a wheelchair. my dad is in a series of car accidents and has to walk on a cane. my sister leaves home in a snit. i find out my brother inappropriately touched my sister 10 years ago, so i feel guilty for not believing her when she told me 5 years ago. my sister gets pregnant by the most asinine of asses in the world... and marries him.
2007: i find out my grandparents don't want me to visit anymore, but they don't have the balls to tell me to my face. i get back into college, only to flunk out again. i work a job i lose within a month. my brother goes into and is on his way out of a depression. my mom's knees give out completely, so she's entirely dependent on someone else to walk with her. i visit my friends in england again, only to feel like a pile of shit in the middle of the floor no matter who i'm with. i get scammed and have to pay back a 5000 dollar loan i didn't need. i get in a car accident with a city bus, and am in the process of trying to get out of the suing process. my cousin T gets diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer (despite having gone for mammograms religiously), was told she was in remission, and now has been diagnosed with brain tumors. my cousin K starts driving 2 hours to feel on some chick with 2 kids he's not sure he wants to marry (yeah, despite the "no premarital sexxing" rule we JWs have...). i finally come to terms with the fact that i'm (more than likely) bisexual, but can't do shit about it because of... well, any number of reasons, leaving me exactly where i was, only more frustrated.
in 4 years, my grandfather C; my step-grandmother G; and my aunt C have all died. my cousin T is dying, as is my uncle J and my mom. i've lost all my friends. i've lost my family because we can't trust or talk to each other anymore.
spiritually speaking, i'm at an impasse. i want to believe. i so want to believe. but there's so much more that i want and trust is right... i don't pray anymore. i barely even believe what i'm reading or learning. when i'm away from home, everything just... feels right, somehow. as if louisville is my kryptonite. i have, if not all my faith, a version of it. oh, i can't be here anymore and expect things to go right.
so, if you're just joining our program.... i'm sorry. life's sucked so bad lately, i just don't have any motivation left to be as happy as i once was. i can't get it together.
i'm not really sure why i'm acting this way, either. except that, if you're just joining, i should probably tell you that i joined LJ and was suddenly thrust into the shittiest 4 years of my life. how so?
2004: my aunt comes to live with my family as she's dying of cancer. i graduate high school, only to see her die of cancer that november.
2005: my mom nearly dies of strep throat compacting a 7 year infection no doctor would believe. i spend a decent couple of months in england, only to find out my grandparents don't like my attitude. within a month of returning, every bit of stress is back. and i start flunking out of college.
2006: i flunk out of college. my mom loses the ability to walk on her own power and has to rely on a wheelchair. my dad is in a series of car accidents and has to walk on a cane. my sister leaves home in a snit. i find out my brother inappropriately touched my sister 10 years ago, so i feel guilty for not believing her when she told me 5 years ago. my sister gets pregnant by the most asinine of asses in the world... and marries him.
2007: i find out my grandparents don't want me to visit anymore, but they don't have the balls to tell me to my face. i get back into college, only to flunk out again. i work a job i lose within a month. my brother goes into and is on his way out of a depression. my mom's knees give out completely, so she's entirely dependent on someone else to walk with her. i visit my friends in england again, only to feel like a pile of shit in the middle of the floor no matter who i'm with. i get scammed and have to pay back a 5000 dollar loan i didn't need. i get in a car accident with a city bus, and am in the process of trying to get out of the suing process. my cousin T gets diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer (despite having gone for mammograms religiously), was told she was in remission, and now has been diagnosed with brain tumors. my cousin K starts driving 2 hours to feel on some chick with 2 kids he's not sure he wants to marry (yeah, despite the "no premarital sexxing" rule we JWs have...). i finally come to terms with the fact that i'm (more than likely) bisexual, but can't do shit about it because of... well, any number of reasons, leaving me exactly where i was, only more frustrated.
in 4 years, my grandfather C; my step-grandmother G; and my aunt C have all died. my cousin T is dying, as is my uncle J and my mom. i've lost all my friends. i've lost my family because we can't trust or talk to each other anymore.
spiritually speaking, i'm at an impasse. i want to believe. i so want to believe. but there's so much more that i want and trust is right... i don't pray anymore. i barely even believe what i'm reading or learning. when i'm away from home, everything just... feels right, somehow. as if louisville is my kryptonite. i have, if not all my faith, a version of it. oh, i can't be here anymore and expect things to go right.
so, if you're just joining our program.... i'm sorry. life's sucked so bad lately, i just don't have any motivation left to be as happy as i once was. i can't get it together.
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It happens that way sometimes
Date: 2007-12-06 02:57 am (UTC)Not going anywhere, so when you are ready to post, peep your head out, or connect, you will find me still on your f-list.
I hope that whatever you are working through right now comes out all right in the end.
kg
Re: It happens that way sometimes
Date: 2007-12-06 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 04:45 am (UTC)About 3 years ago I was in a deep depression and was also doing very poorly in school. All my friends had moved away, as had my family. I felt totally alone. I spent most days sleeping until 3pm and then staying awake all night...sometimes not even sleeping at all. I started writing a list of all the good things I had accomplished/had happened to me that day. It really helped to look at all the positive, even though so much negative was going on.
::hugs:: to you. I'll be here too to read your posts when you update.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 08:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:39 pm (UTC)Honey, no one could claim that all of these things aren't incredibly fucking shitty. They are. There's no way around it.
Just know you have people who love you, and who care. And we'll be here. (With Dean-and-Sam icons.)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-13 02:46 am (UTC)hope i do get to see you over the break. i'm working way too much for my own good right now, and caring for my mom a lot, but you.... can call. i think. five oh two, six oh nine four four one one.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-13 06:07 pm (UTC)