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[personal profile] wellownedbkup
god save me from myself and well-meaning english boys.

ok, so i've picked up with this really decent guy i've talked to for... uh... a time? but only met in person once. (oh jeez, i'm in a fucking internet relationship.) and only briefly at that, in that i rode in the same car as him, but we didn't really, ya know, chat.

at any rate. his cousin's a rat bastard that i happened to like for a while. miami. yeah. him. and he's friends with my juanboy, who keeps fucking avoiding me online. *keyboard smash of disapproval*

so. i've kinda picked up with him. and he's really nice. like my age or thereabouts. he's pretty skilled (a carpenter, which takes actual talent, buddy). and we talk. small talk, but we talk. for long periods of time which kills me. but i worry. because he's on the rebound. he's like fresh out of a long-term relationship and I DON'T WANNA BE THAT GIRL. but, like, he's asking me if i'm seeing anyone. and if i like where i live. and like.. i dunno. dude. this is .... and i say bye like i do to *everyone* (night, darling. because pet names get me out of using real names get me some pseudo affection get me talking to everyone on the same fucking level no matter the sex). and he says "night. take care. xx."

xx. like, kisses. like... seriously? and basing that on my england experience period, that's like... wayyyy left field. like juanboy affectionate (a hug at two weeks. taking care of me for a weekend. "love ya, sis" which means everything and nothing). so is that like his goodbye to girls, period? or is that his... goodbye? or...

i could tear my hair out right now. because i haven't done anything but be myself. and this is still confusing the hell outta me. because... ok. so asking me about my home life and my dating life and telling me your personal life and talking to me for two hours? shouldn't that mean something? or am i reading too much into this again?

i have zero self-esteem, here. i mean, i never think i'm pretty. every time i say "look! he actually likes me!", i've got someone saying that i'm too fat. not to be liked, but too fat to be loved. the biggest hypocrisy ever. because what call does a fat woman have telling me that if i lost weight, i'd be beautiful?

so nothing in my past has prepared me for this. i'm told that i can play the game and i'd have my juanboy or i'd have the new boy like that. a snap of my fingers. but i say i don't know how to play the game. and i get a scoff and a "you just don't want to." but i never learned the game. what was the point? i always said i'd stay single. nothing has prepared me for being pursued. i don't know how to act or react. i'm just playing it by ear, the same act i always act when around someone pursuing. oblivious. blushing. friendly.

think about how i acted with jones. he did like me. admitted it, albeit a year late. but he... he had me pinned against lockers and kept trying to ask me out to the movies or something. he let me lay on his shoulder and tried to cop a feel or three, and worried about me (the movie stop). AND I DIDN'T FUCKING REALIZE IT...

nothing i know can prepare me for knowing if this is a first move from the new boy. if september was a move from my juanboy. i've been told i'm too fat to be loved like... oh. i just dunno. i may possibly be what the new boy wants. i may possibly be dating my juanboy. but i'm so ill-prepared for the dating scene...

i don't know what i'm gonna do. whether i'll reciprocate with the new boy. whether that would be unfaithful to my juanboy. or if i'm just taking it all way too seriously. maybe the boys are just being friendly. maybe i'm just their opening to what hot americans they can catch (maybe not the new boy so much, as he's been to NY once, and florida 5 times... thank god for a traveling type...), or i'm the girl they can hang with and have no worries. a way to rebel against their parents (because america's a den of iniquity and sin and sodom and gomorrah just moved here instead of getting destroyed) by hanging with an american girl.....

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i fail utterly at the game. at recognizing the difference between moves and friendly overtures. because if i really am picking up with the new boy, i'm gonna become THAT GIRL, that rebound girl, that desperate loser who the guy settles for.

jesus fuck, it's too early in the morning to be having a crisis of relationships.

Date: 2008-03-19 04:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] techieratwtape.livejournal.com
personally, I've always envied your fashion sense. No one knew how to rock a piece of crap uniform like you could. And if you don't want to be that girl, then don't. Tell him up front that while a relationship is totally possible, waiting seems like a good idea right now until he's thinking properly. And by properly I mean without thinking with his wounded pride/penis. Well, that last one's kinda normal for some guys. But anyho, that's besides the point. Be friends first, see if it becauses something more from that. Just let him know up front that you want to be something more than a rebound date.

Date: 2008-03-19 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wellowned.livejournal.com
*blush* aw, pip. you say the nicest things!

i guess my big problem is figuring out whether he's actually being friends first or if he's trying to heal his wounded pride.

i'm all for waiting.

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