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wellownedbkupthe silence gets us nowhere
prompt: brigits_flame: key
notes: key = communication. old memories for nix and the threesome of doom.
It’s never been about sex, though that is what he’s been used to. Before. Its’ not about nakedness or male and female bits or anything like that, though. It’s only ever been about love. Love and intimacy and protection.
He knows all of this. Has said it in his mind over and over, like a mantra. There are times when she’ll catch him mouthing words to himself as he stares distantly at and through her. She knows that the thought of what they are, what they’ve become, and what they’ve done is never far from his mind. It’s there constantly. And she can feel his mouth moving rapidly against her skin, exhalations of words that she doesn’t know. She knows, and says nothing. Nix tells himself it’s not sex between them, even as he presses deep and feels her heartbeat against his own.
It’s not the sex, he breathes, even as he succumbs to sex with his boy again. It’s not the feel of his body—his lover’s lust hard and penetrating—that keeps them together. Nix knows it, can feel it as they come together sticky and wet and so very yes that he can’t breathe. It’s not sex but something more between them that helps them survive the many fights they have, the arguments and separations over petty nonsense. They come together and he feels safe. He tells himself it’s not about the sex as their bodies tangle in damp sheets in the dark of night.
He tells himself it’s not about sex and bodily fluids and naked touching, knowing there’s a hint of a lie in it. With Liam, his body tells as much of intimacy and secrets and love as it can. With Shay, it’s both different and not, his body tangled familiarly with hers as they tell each other their past through scars. He doesn’t know how to live without it, this dual intimacy of his 2 partners. There is a ghostly feel of one or the other of them pressed against his body when he wakes every morning, a security in knowing that he can protect and can be protected. It’s not sex, but that feeling that keeps him going.
But he knows it won’t last. Liam is going to look so suspiciously at them if he and Shay continue to touch and kiss like lovers do. Shay is going to suspect if he doesn’t start spending more time on the weekends with her. Even with everything that they’ve shared, Nix hasn’t told either the entire truth. He keeps them apart and tries to keep his lies straight. He knows he will have to tell them, that there will be a moment where there is no way to hide or to run. There will be no way to talk around it, and Nix is so afraid that day will come sooner rather than later. He’s afraid, and he knows he’ll lose them both at that moment.
He has to tell them, has to sit them both down together to tell them that he loves them both, and can’t see his life without the both of them in it, a part of it. He has to tell them that it’s not the sex or the kisses or anything physical. It’s more. It’s how they fill a hole in his life. He has to tell them, he knows. Which is why it’s so hard to pick up this phone now, to call them both and tell them that they have to come to his dorm. He has something to tell them, he says, and it’s very important that the both of them come.
He tells them to come that night. At least by then, he will have moved anything breakable to a safe place. At least by then, he will have made sure there’s nothing in the room that can be used to hurt anyone. Nothing but the things he has to tell them.
prompt: brigits_flame: key
notes: key = communication. old memories for nix and the threesome of doom.
It’s never been about sex, though that is what he’s been used to. Before. Its’ not about nakedness or male and female bits or anything like that, though. It’s only ever been about love. Love and intimacy and protection.
He knows all of this. Has said it in his mind over and over, like a mantra. There are times when she’ll catch him mouthing words to himself as he stares distantly at and through her. She knows that the thought of what they are, what they’ve become, and what they’ve done is never far from his mind. It’s there constantly. And she can feel his mouth moving rapidly against her skin, exhalations of words that she doesn’t know. She knows, and says nothing. Nix tells himself it’s not sex between them, even as he presses deep and feels her heartbeat against his own.
It’s not the sex, he breathes, even as he succumbs to sex with his boy again. It’s not the feel of his body—his lover’s lust hard and penetrating—that keeps them together. Nix knows it, can feel it as they come together sticky and wet and so very yes that he can’t breathe. It’s not sex but something more between them that helps them survive the many fights they have, the arguments and separations over petty nonsense. They come together and he feels safe. He tells himself it’s not about the sex as their bodies tangle in damp sheets in the dark of night.
He tells himself it’s not about sex and bodily fluids and naked touching, knowing there’s a hint of a lie in it. With Liam, his body tells as much of intimacy and secrets and love as it can. With Shay, it’s both different and not, his body tangled familiarly with hers as they tell each other their past through scars. He doesn’t know how to live without it, this dual intimacy of his 2 partners. There is a ghostly feel of one or the other of them pressed against his body when he wakes every morning, a security in knowing that he can protect and can be protected. It’s not sex, but that feeling that keeps him going.
But he knows it won’t last. Liam is going to look so suspiciously at them if he and Shay continue to touch and kiss like lovers do. Shay is going to suspect if he doesn’t start spending more time on the weekends with her. Even with everything that they’ve shared, Nix hasn’t told either the entire truth. He keeps them apart and tries to keep his lies straight. He knows he will have to tell them, that there will be a moment where there is no way to hide or to run. There will be no way to talk around it, and Nix is so afraid that day will come sooner rather than later. He’s afraid, and he knows he’ll lose them both at that moment.
He has to tell them, has to sit them both down together to tell them that he loves them both, and can’t see his life without the both of them in it, a part of it. He has to tell them that it’s not the sex or the kisses or anything physical. It’s more. It’s how they fill a hole in his life. He has to tell them, he knows. Which is why it’s so hard to pick up this phone now, to call them both and tell them that they have to come to his dorm. He has something to tell them, he says, and it’s very important that the both of them come.
He tells them to come that night. At least by then, he will have moved anything breakable to a safe place. At least by then, he will have made sure there’s nothing in the room that can be used to hurt anyone. Nothing but the things he has to tell them.
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Date: 2009-11-14 11:42 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-11-16 12:58 am (UTC)lovely, as always.
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Date: 2009-11-16 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-16 02:18 pm (UTC)*hug* i'm doing okay. got an appointment with on-campus counseling tomorrow. my first go at counseling since high school. this is good. i think.
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Date: 2009-11-17 04:04 am (UTC)Rawr..I mean Roar :-)
Date: 2009-11-22 09:05 pm (UTC)I found this somewhat interesting. I am close friends with several polyamorists who are in triads. I like that you had him tell them, that is very authentic and I appreciate that.
The name Shay actually threw me off. I know a boy named Shay (short for Seamus) so I was thinking he was in an all male triad lol.
The only thing I would have liked to have seen included is whether Shay and Liam know of his bi nature or not. If not, that would have intensified his fears, and if so, it would have helped shape some of the internal conflict I think.
Well done. As I said I think this has a really authentic tone to it and I very much like that. Nice read, thank you for sharing!
Re: Rawr..I mean Roar :-)
Date: 2009-11-23 12:22 am (UTC)it's a good point, and something i hadn't thought of, especially as, in my mind and nix's timeline, he's just coming to terms with being bi, when he'd considered himself gay for some time.
but! thank you so much! i really hadn't thought of those things. thank you.
Edit
Date: 2009-11-24 06:10 pm (UTC)It’s never been about sex, [though] that is what he’s been used to. Before. Its’ not about nakedness or male and female bits or anything like that, [though=watch out for overuse of second-guess wording in a single area. It’s a big problem of my own to keep my style from looking like a sea saw.]. It’s only ever been about love. Love and intimacy and protection.
[And she can feel his mouth moving rapidly against her skin, exhalations of words that she doesn’t know. She knows, and says nothing.=these two sentences made me wonder, for too long, what you were trying to imply]
It’s not the sex, he breathes, even as he succumbs to sex with his [boy= you may want to clarify whether this is a classmate or a child] again. It’s not the feel of his body—his lover’s lust hard and penetrating—that keeps them together. [Nix=I’d suggest clarifying this as the name of the protagonist in the beginning] knows it, can feel it as they come together sticky and wet and [so very yes=not bad word play, but I’d suggest a capital Y] that he can’t breathe
He tells himself it’s not about the sex as their bodies tangle in damp sheets in the [dark of night.=too general]
He tells himself it’s not about sex and bodily fluids and naked touching, knowing there’s a hint of a lie in it. With Liam, his body tells as much of intimacy and secrets and love as it can. With Shay, it’s both different and not, his body tangled familiarly with hers as they [tell each other their past through scars=not terribly overwrought, but it doesn’t blend well with the rest of the piece].
But he knows it won’t last. Liam is going to look so [suspiciously-only ‘suspicious’ if they’re kissing?] at them if he and Shay continue to touch and kiss like lovers do. Shay is going to suspect if he doesn’t start spending more time on the weekends with her.
[There will be no way to talk around it, and Nix is so afraid that day will come sooner rather than later. He’s afraid, and he knows he’ll lose them both at that moment.=this frank and simple voice works best, stick to it]
He tells them to come [that night=delete unless you intended to show some significance of this night]. [At least by then, he will have moved anything breakable to a safe place. At least by then, he will have made sure there’s nothing in the room that can be used to hurt anyone. Nothing but the things he has to tell them.= sorry, but this ending didn’t do anything for me. Try an ending the ties more with the content of the story, something direct but sexual and emotional he shares with both.]
Editor here!
Date: 2009-12-07 02:54 am (UTC)The second half of this is a little unclear to me. I think it's the word 'though' that throws me off. I would suggest something like: even if that is (or that's) what he's used to.
Before.
Does this modify the previous sentence, or separate the scene? I think the sentences read well enough without it.
Its' (It's) not about nakedness or male and female bits or anything like that, though.
Again, 'though' is unncessary.
He knows all of this. Has said it in his mind over and over, like a mantra.
I would combine these - He knows all of this; has said it over and over in his mind, like a mantra. It gives more power to the 'like a mantra' description.
It’s there constantly.
This is pretty subjective, but I would suggest: It's with him constantly. to give a better description of his mental battle/willpower/ect.
And she can feel his mouth moving rapidly against her skin, exhalations of words
thatshe doesn’t know.He tells himself it’s not about sex and bodily fluids and naked touching, knowing there’s a hint of a lie in it.
Starting a new paragraph, I'd get rid of the first part. Start with the new thought, that he's lying to himself.
With Shay, it’s
bothdifferent and not, his body tangled familiarly with hers as they tell each other their past through scars.The end of this doesn't read very smoothly, their bodies tangled familiarly and reading each other's pasts in scars.
Overall, I think this is pretty powerful. You do a great job of describing the relationships, and the confusion in Nix's head about them both.