(brigits_flame, TRT) about nisha, birth
Nov. 21st, 2009 02:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wellownedbkupaccidentally perfect, brigits_flame
about nisha. birth:
ciska has her dresser pushed tight against the door to her bedroom, half precaution and half practical. her bed is smaller than she remembers it, and it's all she can do to give nisha just a little more room to spread out. as it is, nisha's clothes will have to be stacked on top of her little rollaway suitcase, tucked in tight in the little amount of space opened by the shifting of furniture in the room. ciska's smile is just this side of apologetic, not sure if she wishes that nisha didn't have to suffer poor accommodations, or if she's thrilled that she has her lover here with her.
nisha's sitting on her bed, hat and coat laid to one side and looking like a fashion plate in her cropped sweater and jeans. franciska laughs a little on the inside, wondering if nisha even realized that showing off that bared stretch of caramel colored skin from her ribs to hips was both the best and the strangest thing she could've done when meeting her girlfriend's parents for the first time. as a point, it made it clear that she was a beautiful woman, and one unafraid to be with their daughter in public. on the other hand, though, no one expects a prospective in-law to come for a visit in anything less than modest clothing. ciska could kiss her for doing so.
"i hope you do not mind sharing my bed with me," she says, refusing to look at nisha for indicators of a response. they've been here before, back before their jobs took them their separate ways and before ciska had been able to get out from under the thumb of the vasilyevs. being back here now is a struggle enough, but... her thoughts trail off as she feels nisha's arms encircle her. she's trying not to think too hard of anything, too afraid to hope.
her voice is muffled, lips pressed against ciska's neck like they are, and she doesn't stop interspersing her words with kisses once she sees how it affects her girlfriend. "i don't see why i would want to be anywhere else. i think i made an impression on your parents." ciska chuckles breathily. "this could be the birth of something special, darling."
ciska can't help but agree, marveling at how this mess of a relationship could become so much more. without trying, so accidentally perfect together. she just wonders who helped nisha get over her insecurities while they were apart, who helped her become so confident in herself.
about nisha. birth:
ciska has her dresser pushed tight against the door to her bedroom, half precaution and half practical. her bed is smaller than she remembers it, and it's all she can do to give nisha just a little more room to spread out. as it is, nisha's clothes will have to be stacked on top of her little rollaway suitcase, tucked in tight in the little amount of space opened by the shifting of furniture in the room. ciska's smile is just this side of apologetic, not sure if she wishes that nisha didn't have to suffer poor accommodations, or if she's thrilled that she has her lover here with her.
nisha's sitting on her bed, hat and coat laid to one side and looking like a fashion plate in her cropped sweater and jeans. franciska laughs a little on the inside, wondering if nisha even realized that showing off that bared stretch of caramel colored skin from her ribs to hips was both the best and the strangest thing she could've done when meeting her girlfriend's parents for the first time. as a point, it made it clear that she was a beautiful woman, and one unafraid to be with their daughter in public. on the other hand, though, no one expects a prospective in-law to come for a visit in anything less than modest clothing. ciska could kiss her for doing so.
"i hope you do not mind sharing my bed with me," she says, refusing to look at nisha for indicators of a response. they've been here before, back before their jobs took them their separate ways and before ciska had been able to get out from under the thumb of the vasilyevs. being back here now is a struggle enough, but... her thoughts trail off as she feels nisha's arms encircle her. she's trying not to think too hard of anything, too afraid to hope.
her voice is muffled, lips pressed against ciska's neck like they are, and she doesn't stop interspersing her words with kisses once she sees how it affects her girlfriend. "i don't see why i would want to be anywhere else. i think i made an impression on your parents." ciska chuckles breathily. "this could be the birth of something special, darling."
ciska can't help but agree, marveling at how this mess of a relationship could become so much more. without trying, so accidentally perfect together. she just wonders who helped nisha get over her insecurities while they were apart, who helped her become so confident in herself.
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no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-22 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-23 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-25 11:55 am (UTC)I loved this: "bared stretch of caramel colored skin" - what an image! All the best, you! ^____^
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 06:55 am (UTC)Okay, I haven't even started reading and I have a problem with this story -- why is there no capitalization? I know it's a style, but I doubt any non-established writer should have the audacity to defy a grammar rule as this. The only instance I can think of as successful in this is e.e.cummings. Furthermore, capitalization not only provides a more professional look, but also helps with tone development in sentences.
The transition from "ciska" to "franciska" was a little confusing for me at first. I did get it after wondering for a paragraph or so, but it was somewhat distracting. Instead, you could be more clear that "ciska" is a nickname, or contain the two names closer together in a paragraph so that it's more obvious.
The concept itself was nicely pulled together. I liked all the little detailed in the story which allowed the readers to get a glimpse of what happened in their pasts without going overly long on it.
I'm not sure about how the story began:
"about nisha. birth:"
I can kind of see what you're getting at, but I felt like the scene was more of the "birth" of a new place in their relationship, as stated, rather than the birth of Nisha as a person, as they would not have been together so long -- at least long enough for in-law meeting -- if she had not been herself.
Thank you for sharing, and hope to see more of your work,
Kelly
no subject
Date: 2009-12-05 06:31 am (UTC)I love the way you convey the love and emotion between Nisha and Ciska. The names are beautifully exotic!
My editing suggestions:
The title
about nisha. birth: - unless not using capitals is a stylistic choice, capitalize About Nisha and Birth. Similarly, capitalize the first letter at the start of a sentence, and the first letter of names, as well as I. To make the title stand out, place a blank line after it, to separate it from the story itself.
1. ciska has her dresser pushed tight against the door to her bedroom, half precaution and half practical. It isn't clear what precaution Ciska is taking by placing the dresser against her door. Try either explaining the reason she has done this, or leave precaution out of the sentence.
2. ciska's smile is just this side of apologetic, not sure
if she wishes that nisha didn't have to suffer poor accommodations, or if she's thrilled that she has her lover here with her. This sentence seems a little choppy with not straight after apologetic. An example to improve the flow of this sentence:
Ciska's smile is just this side of apologetic. She's not sure
if she wishes that nisha didn't have to suffer poor accommodations, or if she's thrilled that she has her lover here with her.
3. nisha's sitting on her bed, hat and coat laid to one side and looking like a fashion plate in her cropped sweater and jeans. Try rearranging this sentence, so the parts of the sentence that focus directly on Nisha are together. Example: nisha's sitting on her bed, looking like a fashion plate in her cropped sweater and jeans, hat and coat laid to one side.
4. wondering if nisha even realized that showing off that bared (bare) stretch of caramel colored skin from her ribs to hips was both the best and the
strangest thing she could've done when meeting her girlfriend's parents for the first time.
5. being back here now is a (A can be left out of this sentence, as writing 'is struggle enough' is grammatically correct) struggle
enough,
6. her thoughts trail off as she feels nisha's arms encircle her. she's trying not to think too hard of anything, too afraid to hope. As this sentence focuses on Ciska, and this sentence: her voice is muffled, lips pressed against ciska's neck like they are, and she doesn't stop interspersing her words with kisses once she sees how it affects
her girlfriend. focuses on Nisha, try replacing her with Nisha, as it draws the focus back to Nisha, and makes it instantly clear who the actions belong to.
7. without trying, so accidentally perfect together. To improve the flow of this sentence, try inserting 'they seem' after without trying. Example: without trying, they seem so accidentally perfect together.
I enjoyed reading this, and look forward to reading more from you!