wellownedbkup

it's a fact. i? am a horrible friend.

i don't answer phone calls. i rarely answer text messages. i flake out on hanging out with people and it's very easy for me to avoid the people i call my friends. i don't think i've really been all that close to anyone in years...

except for maybe Pippin and Sobe*. the three of us went to the same high school, separated by about two years between me, pip and sobe. the two of them have possibly been the two who have put up with my shit the longest and still care about me.

like, sobe? sobe tells me all about her classes and life across the river. she invited me to my first halloween party... which is the oddest thing in the world to say, and invited me to hang out with her and her friends at the local fireworks show... which i'd never done before. she puts up with me even though i don't always answer her instant messages.

and pip? pip and i had much the same wavelength for so long. we lived in much closer proximity than everyone else, and understood things about the city that others didn't. and, god. ok, so pip sees me when she can and we work out ways to hang out. and it keeps ending up like... once a year when we see each other. though i will say i've seen her three times in the past month and that has been the highlight of my life, really. and we made variable plans for the next couple of weeks. i'm more up on her life than i am on anyone else's (save sobe) from high school.

and, shit. both these girls know how hard it is for me to see anyone. i've got the family that's a cross between heaven and hell-- very loving, in that sit-together-for-dinner-everyday way, but also restrictive and unsupportive about EVERYTHING.** so nearly 100% of the time, i have to lie to my folks about where i'm going or who i'm seeing. and when i'm out, i'm always watching the clock, anxious and nearly walking right back out of the door as soon as i've entered. that halloween party? if i checked my phone for the time every 15 minutes, i wouldn't be surprised. i arranged to "accidentally" meet up with my pip at a karaoke bar when i was supposed to be with other people just because i missed her. even so, i could hardly sit still, continually watching the other folks i was with for indications that they'd tell my parents that i was with a HEATHEN***.

i'm constantly thanking god that i have these girls in my life, that they're as understanding as they are. i'm so chickenshit all the time-- i could probably have moved out by now and been ok and a better daughter than i'd ever thought to be... but i'm afraid to go out on my own without a couple thousand safety nets. i'd be very alone in the world without these two lifelines to an outside world. there's only so much a girl can do when her sphere of friends usually comes and goes with the tides of lust for her brother (not going into that. suffice it to say that these girls only know me and not my brother, and have been my friends for far longer than most as a result)...

so thank god, or whoever... thank life. i have a sobe and a pippin to love me.

* - names have been changed to protect the innocent.
** - i love my family. i wouldn't change them for the world. but i also know that they're imperfect and i would be a much better daughter if i didn't have an 11 pm curfew and didn't live at home. i have to work too hard to censor myself at home, so it's a necessity to get out as soon as possible, despite my love of them.
*** - a term courtesy of my religion vs. my friends. since they aren't JWs, they say that my parents see them as heathens. which... isn't far from the truth. my parents think that my friends are beneath me and would drag me down into the muck and mire of the world. i try my hardest not to talk about my gay/bisexual friends from school, for fear that i'll never have friends my own age. for what it's worth.