(no subject)

so. exhausted. i've been walked to death today. all the way across derby. i love my juan pablo to bits. I DON'T WALK THIS MUCH. ow. shin splints. and sore ankles. and frikkin mcdonalds. i hate hate hate eating fast food out. (i think he's just weirded out by me not eating much. it took me an hour to finish a frikkin blt. a blt with margarine and mayo and very lettuce-y and handmade by my juanboy.) but. ow. my legs. oww. ow ow ow.

and then there was that awful 'run fatboy run'. which he thought was HILARIOUS. and i thought was... meh. i wanted sleep.

and then the trek to mcdonalds. and then the trek to sainsburys. and the trek back to the bowling alley. and bowling. good score, but i mean... no competition whatsoever. no heckling, no peanut gallery, no noise..... just a bunch of crap bowlers all bowling together. and then the long trek to the car, to kfc, to the car and parking in the cold to chill out on hoods of cars. and then the ride home talking generally about the lame of home to miami.

and, of course, teh existensial crisis of you know, the usual. that icy hot vise.

*insert 3 hour chat to celestine about that vise and missing the boys and*

yeah, so, definitely need to figure out what that means.

bowling was good. being with friends was good. and talking was good. the paranoia about losing my ipod was bad, but that was gonna eventually be alright. i found it, so no worries. so, today? not so bad on the whole. juanboy keeps being amused by us, so that's kinda... fun, i guess. it's not bad. and miami's being miami (whatever). [for future reference, we've decided what each boy needs. juanboy needs a puppy pile, platonic cuddling and a wife who's his comfort and his best friend and his support. miami needs to be taken down a few pegs.]

(no subject)

so, even though we finally had a ride, we slept until 12, so there wasn't gonna be any way for us to bathe and dress before she came to get us. so. no wedding. i can't bring myself to be happy or sad about it. my head hurts and my stomach's upset, so that is what it is.

everything below my knees kind of aches and is numb, so well, that is what it is. whatever. i feel good otherwise.

i'm not sure telling celestine what i've been debating is a good idea. because crying and being maudlin at 2 in the morning isn't my idea of a brilliant conversation. alas, it is what it is, right? we talked and that was that. she hugged me because i think i needed it. but, it just made me sniffle more. because i don't understand it.

(the jist of the matter is this: i miss my boys. and when i saw them for the first time, there was a raw pain around my heart. and i don't know what it means. because if this is love, someone lied to me about it not being destructive. and i won't say a word about it being worse around my juanboy.)

but i noticed something. he has a terrible self-image (i've got a better one, actually, and that says something), and treats compliments worse than i do. in that yes he's actually good-looking. and he'd probably look nice without his glasses (janet told him so once, and he hasn't taken off his glasses in public since)... but he's all... i think we decided he measures himself against miami and feels like he's falling short. which isn't true. you can't compare them. because no one wants a conceited ass like miami when you could have an affectionate best friend in juanboy. at least, not me. i need a best friend.

but, that's how it goes. i'm not prepared for this. i'm not prepared for how i feel. i'm not prepared for him... i guess.

so we slept in late this morning because we couldn't hold off a conversation past 3 and 4 in the morning. jeez.